Official™ Renophaston review of Resident Evil: Afterlife

Resident Evil: Afterlife 3D posterI saw Resident Evil: Afterlife 3D last Friday, but I enjoyed it! Alice is back, and she’s here to change the world! (This may sound like a reference to Captain EO, the first 3D movie I ever saw, but really she just has a gun that shoots coins.)

Spoilers ahead, but they might be inaccurate because it was a few days ago that I saw this, and my memory sucks.

The Good:

You all remember that my biggest problem with Resident Evil: Extinction was its lack of water. Well, this movie made up for that with spades to spare! Paul W.S. Anderson, the director of the first Resident Evil is back, and he brought with him what made the first movie great. I mean, this movie starts in the rain!** There’s a beach, burst water pipes, a lake. This one time, the main characters were underwater for like five minutes, and also there was a boat. And it wasn’t just some throwaway boat reference; it was a major plot point! It’s obvious Anderson understood where the franchise went adrift after he left, and thankfully he returned to set it back on course. Aquaman ain’t got shit on this movie, other than his powers.

Water pipe from RE:A** Not to be confused with Rain Ocampo, Michelle Rodriguez’ character from the first Resident Evil movie… or is it? Aside from RE, Michelle Rodriguez is best known for her role on Lost, a TV show about an island (surrounded by water, of course). Coincidence? Let’s examine the rest of her oeuvre. She followed up Resident Evil with a surfer movie called Blue Crush. Then she played Chris Sanchez in S.W.A.T., “Sanchez” of course coming from the Spanish for “sanctified”, which to Christians brings to mind the Baptismal rite, cleansing the soul with water. Later she voiced a Marine in the popular video game Halo 2. Then in 2005, she played Katarin (in the same year that Hurricane Katrina flooded the Gulf Coast) in another video game adaptation called BloodRayne. Then she starred in a movie called Battle in Seattle, Seattle being known colloquially as “Rain City“. It’s hard to believe the director was unaware of these facts during filming. Oh, and the last movie I saw in theaters before RE:A? Machete. Who was in it? Michelle Rodriguez. (“Michelle”, incidentally, is the feminine form of “Michael”, a name which comes from the archangel Michael, who is known for (among other things) drawing water from the rock at Colossae.)

Also: Zombies! I didn’t know this movie was gonna have zombies! If someone told me this movie was gonna have zombies, I’d have believed them, but nobody did because I don’t have any friends.

The Bad:

Iron Man 2. What a piece of shit. If I had a dollar for every time I saw this “film”, I’d still be out five bucks.

Water and co-star Ali Larter in RE:A

Water and co-star Ali Larter in RE:A

The Ugly:

They introduced Chris Redfield in this movie, which was exciting for some reason. He spent a good chunk of the movie locked in a jail cell. I thought it was funny because in an infamous line from the first game, Barry calls Chris “the master of unlocking“, and here he was locked up. Ha! But then I remembered that it’s Jill Valentine who’s the master of unlocking. So pfft. Nevermind. Chris was in that game, though, and with Chris’ appearance in the movies, we’ve finally come full circle, and ended up in a completely different place.

Aside: I gotta admit, you guys–references to the past take me back. I can’t believe I beat that game. Everything about it was annoying. I give it an “F” for Effort. “Survival Horror”? More like “Survival Horrible Game”!

Still, it had Zombies.

Alaskan water

Alaskan water... brr!

The Verdict:

Lets go down the list:

  • Zombies? Check.
  • Action? Check.
  • Dimensions? Check, check… and check. (that’s 3; last one had 2)
  • Multiple Jovoviches? (Jovovichlones?) Check.
  • Water? More than you can count!

This movie has everything for everybody, and unlike the those big shot “movie” critics, I think that’s enough. I want to say it’s the best Resident Evil movie with the initials REA, but I can’t really remember Apocalypse. Maybe it was good? And what if the next movie is called like Resident Evil: Attrition or something and it’s great? Can’t take that chance! But I’ll give this one four tens out of five!

\frac{10101010}{5}=2020202=3(20)+2 = 322

Out of a hundred.

Full disclosure: I tried not to let it color my review, but I should mention that there was something wrong at my theater, and stuff kept falling out of the movie. Ba-ding chang!

The final word: Resident Evil: Afterlife brought the rotting corpse of the Resident Evil franchise back to theaters!

Beach from RE:A

water + beach = match made in heaven (except I hate beaches)

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Robot + Rape = Rape

The new WALL-E comic has surprise buttsecks:
Surprise buttsecks in WALL-E

He is obviously drunk. But that is no excuse.

Official™ Renophaston Gangsta Babies Series 1 Review

I woke up to a pretty nice surprise this morning! Mezco was nice enough to send me 100 cases of series 1 of their new Gangsta Babies line for (I’m assuming) review purposes. After going through most of them, I’ve come to this conclusion: they rock… or rap, if you’ll pardon the pun! Details in the review:

Gangsta Babies a kill you sucka!

Gangsta Babies a kill you sucka!

(I should note that these were pre-release review versions, and they might not accurately represent what is finally sent out to retailers later this year. Also, I have to apologize for the lack of photos—I tried taking some, but the Babies would always fade out of them like in Back to the Future. I didn’t know that could happen with digital pictures, but oh well. The pictures here are from promotional materials.)

Packaging

I have to say I don’t entirely understand the packaging. I’m not up with modern gangsta culture, so let me know if I’m missing a reference or something, but they came in a broken-down UPS truck. Does that mean something? It’s full-size, and it looks real, but it won’t start. Color me confused. Inside of that were a bunch of regular window display boxes that I found somewhat garish, but that I guess fit well enough with the “bling-bling” theme. I was surprised to notice there weren’t any air-holes (!), but I’ll get to that later. I give packaging a tentative 3 / 5, but I’m willing to reconsider if someone can explain the truck to me. [UPDATE: The truck is now gone! I guess somebody stole it? I live in a pretty nice neighborhood, so this is kind of unexpected. It’s not trash day or anything. Fortunately I already unloaded most of the boxes.]

blingin' the town red!

Gangsta Babies: blingin' the town red!

Design

Okay, here’s where we get to my biggest problem with this series. The lack of air-holes should have tipped me off, but when I see a box of “Gangsta Babies”, that’s what I expect to get. I guess they were trying to save on manufacturing costs or something, but these little guys are made out of plastic. Not even the hands are real. I don’t know if they thought collectors wouldn’t notice or what, but they’re fucking toys. I know, right? But if you can get past that, there’s a still lot here to like about these lil’ niggaz.*

*”Niggaz” in the platonic sense.

First off, these guys are cute. Seriously, I bet I could swap one of these out for one of my friends’ real babies, and even if they noticed the change, they’d be cool with it because these guys are so precious. Rey Rey in particular has stolen my heart. (If I wasn’t already married…!)

The one exception here is Benjino, who creeps me the fuck out. All my Benjinos are burning in a pile in my backyard.

One other quick nitpick—at 10 inches, these aren’t quite to scale with the traditional 16-inch Cabbage Patch Kids line. This may not be a problem for you, but it really pissed me off. I’m better now, but… well, let’s just say my phone bill is going to be huge this month and leave it at that. Overall, I give the design a solid 4 ¾ / 5 ½.

Accessories

Going over the list of accessories for each doll, something “interesting” pooped out at me: no guns! Personally, I’m okay with this. I know some people will be upset that they decided to go with the Ebonics™, gaudy-jewelry, singing-songs-about-money-for-a-living gangsta rather than the kill-your-brother, rape-your-sister, sell-drugs-to-your-kids gangsta, but I am pleased with the decision. With all the violent, vulgar toys being marketed to kids these days, it’s nice to see something as benign as this on the shelves. Still, a gangsta without a gun is like Harold Melvin without the Blue Notes—he’s gonna get shot. Or melted.

One other notable oversight: no hos. It’s a regular plastic-sausage festival up in here. To make the babies objectify anyone sexually, I had to buy a case** of Baby Alive Wets and Wiggles, and those are literally fucking expensive! If this first wave does well, I wouldn’t mind seeing a “couples” wave that had magnets in the crotches or wherever. (Also an action-feature would be nice; after nearly 100 “gang”-bangs, I was getting tired.)

**Only one case was needed because gangstas prefer to share the women they use for sex. See “Ain’t No Fun (If The Homies Can’t Have None)” for further information.

As for the accessories they actually come with—they’re alright. Not great. 10 / 10

Value

I hate to harp on this same point over and over again, but if these were made using real babies, they would be a steal, but as it is, I think $25 is a little steep, and Gangsta Babies might find themselves appealing mostly to a niche market of collectors willing to spend a bit more for a collector’s-quality gangster-themed plastic baby. That said, I do think Gangsta Babies are probably the best gangsta-themed (plastic) babies on the market right now. Score: 7 / 6.5

Verdict

I’m still bummed about the name (“Gangsta Dolls“, anyone?), but overall these deez pimps iz da shiznit, real talk! Seriously, these guys are really great. If I had any interest at all in things like this and didn’t just think they were stupid, I’d be all over them like blue on a crip’s onesie.

Packaging: 3 / 5
Design: 4 ¾ / 5 ½
Accessories: 10 / 10
Value: 7 / 6.5

Total: 24 ¾ / 26.5 ½ ≈ 0.91666667

(All scores out of 5.)

The Official™ Renophaston review of TMNT: “Enter the Shredder”

Did you guys catch the latest episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? It was episode #2 and it was called “Enter the Shredder“, and I think it was the best episode yet! But I bet you’re more interested in hearing what I thought about it! Beware: a serious Spoiler Warning is in effect from this point forward!

The Big Picture!

This episode had it all! We even got to see the turtles sans masks! From the introduction of three new villains to our first sight of the Technodrome, this episode left me wanting more, but still feeling satisfied! We finally got to see that Leonardo can definitely defeat Michaelangelo in combat (even if it was just practice!), and when they put cereal on their pizzas for breakfast, I was laughing my ass off! (“Choco-Puffs for me!” LO!L) When the Technodrome blasted through that wall of rock, I nearly lost my shit! That thing is colossal! And when Shredder said, “That’s quite a brain you’ve got, Krang!” and Krang said, “Of course it is, it’s all I’ve got!” I totally laughed my fucking shit off for hours! It was cool that the zoo was just two cages in the middle of a park in the city—I wish I lived in New York! The big fight against all the robots made me so hard I had to change the way I was sitting! (“Taste cold steel!”) Bebop and Rocksteady were pretty cool before they were mutants, but afterwards they were awesome! When Raph stuck his sai into Rocksteady’s gun barrel and made it explode, I was like “Oh shit!” That was tight!

Donatello’s Missing Cock!

When Michaelangelo gets captured by a robot, Donatello leaps into action! And for those of us paying attention, a long-standing question in fandom was finally answered:

Donatello’s Crotch

In-You-Endo Watch!

This episode was the edgiest yet—the sexual innuendo was nearly off the charts! Here are some of the best (unintentionally?) sexual lines in the episode (titled, sexually, “Enter the Shredder”):

  • “All I need are animals!”
  • “My legions are waiting in Dimension X to storm into this world and crush it! All I lack is a body!” (This one’s more of a metaphor!)
  • “That rock is freshly drilled!”
  • “Man, look at the size of those tank treads!”
  • “I need two of you for an experiment!”
  • Donatello and Raphael are making me hard.
  • “Now that’s what I call a serious pizza!”
  • “I’m onto something big!”
  • “Let’s boogaloo!”
  • “There must be some way inside!”
  • “We know how to handle ourselves in the sewer!”
  • “Leonardo—cut it open!”
  • “I feel like a marshmallow in a nutcracker!”
  • “You think they wanna mix it up with us?”
  • “Donatello—try to get to their rear.”
  • “Hit it Leonardo!”
  • “It’s the same guys we fucked last night!” [Edit: Oops! Turns out it’s actually “fought last night”!]
  • “You idiots!”
  • “Come on Splinter!”
  • “I just hope I haven’t missed out on the action!”
  • “C’mon, lets annihilate those turkeys!”
  • “You boys have fun together, and we’ll be back to check on ya in ten years!”
  • “Ooooh, ya little bimbo! I’ll make ya eat that camera!”

The Verdict!

Out of the two episodes that have aired, “Enter the Shredder” is by far my favorite. I think the only thing that could have made it better is if we got to see Krang’s mechanical body he’s building, but they’ve got to leave us with a reason to keep watching! I give this episode 5/5 turtle power! It was cool as shells!

The Official™ Renophaston review of Resident Evil: Extinction

I saw it: Resident Evil: Extinction. I should preface this review by saying that I’ve seen both Resident Evil and Resident Evil: Apocalypse, beat the first Resident Evil video game, played parts of the second, and watched my brother (whaazzzup, Ste!) play RE: 4. I didn’t particularly like any of them. But I like Milla Jovovich and I love zombies. Make a movie with both of these things in it, and I will have sex with its corpse. That’s almost an apt metaphor, because I don’t think I’d like to have sex with a corpse, and I don’t think I liked this movie. I’m going to review it now, like this (minor spoilers for the first few minutes of the movie):

The Good:

Milla Jovovich. Well, actually she wasn’t all that good in this movie. But after the movie I checked her website to see if she put up any more music demos, and she did! (You can find them here!) She really needs to put out another proper album, because her movies are hit and miss, and modeling is boring, but I like her music, except some of the Peopletree Sessions, but she only did that album on accident.

Another good thing was I saw a trailer for The Strangers, which looked pretty scary. You can see it here. (You’ll have to sit though a trailer for The Darjeeling Limited first, but that isn’t so bad.) The Strangers has Scott Speedman in it, and I like him. Felicity is one of the shows I like. He was awesome in Underworld, which was a pretty awesome movie. And speaking of complete circles, Milla Jovovich had a song on the Underworld soundtrack! (I c wat u did ther!)

Yet another thing: there was this one part of the movie where (original idea alert!) this one guy who was bad left this other guy to die even though he probably could have saved him, and someone behind me said, “That’s fucked up!” I really appreciated that, because I was confused and thought that maybe that was the heroic thing to do. This is the kind of “added-value” experience you can only get if you see the movie in the theater—why do you think it’s cheaper to rent a movie on DVD than to see it in the theater?

The Bad:

OK, I know they explained it, but there was a serious lack of water in this movie. I mean, I live in a world with a lot of water. There are literally knobs all over my house I can turn and water will come out instantly, whenever I want. How am I supposed to identify with any of these characters if they live in a place with a shortage of water? That’s ridiculous. And since I couldn’t identify with the characters, the whole movie was completely incomprehensible. They might as well have been speaking Aramaic. It was all Greek to me. I also don’t understand Japanese. I understand a little bit of Spanish and Hebrew, but that’s pretty much a lie.

Plus, the acting, writing, story, and special-effects were all pretty bad.

The Ugly:

Someone behind-the-scenes had the great idea to airbrush all the face out of most of Milla’s close-ups. This was very helpful in reminding me that Milla is beautiful, like how laugh tracks remind me that fart jokes are funny, even if I don’t understand them. I’m pretty sure I would have been able to figure it out even if they didn’t draw it all over her face, but as I said, I knew who she was before coming into the theater, and a good filmmaker always assumes the audience is made up of retards. So why is this in the “Ugly” section? Because they only did it most of the time, and they only did it to her face. There were some shots of her in the movie that were untouched, and while I could still tell she was beautiful, I’m not sure the other people in the theater with me could. Or would. Or did.

Also, this movie had two black people in it. WTF?

The Verdict:

If this movie was actually a series of webisodes leading up to Resident Evil: Vengeance or something, they would probably make me want to see the movie less, but I would still see it because it has Milla Jovovich and zombies in it. Kind of like the 30 Days of Night: Blood Trails series, except that series made me decide to not see 30 Days of Night because the webisodes I watched really sucked. Ha! I get it! 30 Days of Night would be cool if the vampires weren’t all violent, careless, and gory, like… zombies…

Maybe I will see it. (That’s the punchline.)

If you’re going to see one zombie movie this year that’s based on a video game and stars Milla Jovovich and Oded Fehr, see Resident Evil: Apocalypse. Or you could see this one instead, but I don’t think it’s as good. I give it a D out of 10 zombies.

The final word: Resident Evil: Extinction should have been called Resident Evil: The Least Entertaining One of Them.