Bad Rap, Part the Third

Bad Rap!Here’s the chorus from what I think is probably the lamest rap song I’ve ever heard, 213’s “Joystick“:

She said she wants to ride my joystick
She wants to ride, she wants to ride it

Umm… I’m not sure you’re doing it right. I think you’re trying to use “joystick” as a metaphor for penis, but you don’t ride a joystick, so it doesn’t work; you’re just saying “penis” using a different word. This song is full of video game references, and none of them work. Joysticks don’t “[go] the extra inch”. Joysticks aren’t “tasty in all kinds of ways”. And (this is key) you don’t fuck joysticks! Especially modern ones. I don’t think anything past the Atari 2600 really had controllers with any fuckable parts.* And, I’ll be you a dollar she didn’t say “I want to ride your joystick.” She didn’t. I think you’re lying.

Secondly, and this is definitely a case of the pot calling the kettle “nigga”, but c’mon, 213. Three guys getting together to sing a song about dick and video games is just a little too lame for gangsta rap. I think you’ve lost some of your street cred here. Combined with the half-puns and broken metaphors, you’ve earned yourself a Bad Rap. Seriously you guys, you’re better than this.

I think this song is pretty much FUBAR, but if anyone wants to spit some rhymes about video games and/or sex, go for it in the comments.

*This song came out before the Wii, so I’m not counting that.

Bad Rap, Part Dukes

Bad Rap!If you’re just joining us, Bad Rap is a series of posts making fun of bad grammar and the like in rap lyrics. This time we’re going to take a look at Dr. Dre’s “Nigga Witta Gun”:

A motherfucker who’s known for carryin’ gats
And kick raps that make snaps.
Adapts to any environment that I’m located at

You can be at the office or the library, but you have to be in an environment or an area. Sorry, Dre; you can fuck as many police officers as you want—I still gotta give you a Bad Rap for pulling this linguistic boner. As always, please post alternate lyrics in the comments!

Incidentally, “kick raps that make snaps”? Hard. Core. Gangsta.

Bad Rap, Part 1

Bad Rap 2This is the first in a series of posts of mine complaining about rap lyrics, or inadvertently exposing my ignorance regarding their meaning.

We’ll start with a quote from Snoop Dogg, back in his Snoop Doggy Dogg days. This one’s from “Doggy Dogg World”.

Ya know, some of these niggaz is so deceptive
Usin’ my styles like a contraceptive

Yeah, pretty sure you meant “aphrodisiac” there, buddy, and that’s why you get a Bad Rap! Feel free to post suggestions for alternate lyrics in the comments! I’ll start:

Ya know, some of these niggaz is so deceptive
Usin’ my styles to make a bitch receptive