Star Trek Interview

In anticipation of the new movie, we managed to score an exclusive phone interview with Star Trek, available only here on kristuphil is telling you (KITY). As always, our questions are in bold.

kristuphil: Hello?

Star Trek: Na-nu, na-nu! I am a robot. [Laughs]

KSP: Wow, Star Trek! It’s an honor to meet you, sir!

ST: “Sir”‘s my dad’s name. Please, call me Star Trek.

KSP: Alright, yeah. Let’s get started! We’ve heard a lot about the new movie coming out, when is it, Christmas 2008?

ST: Oh shit, seriously?

KSP: [Laughs] Yeah, it’s still a ways off! [Laughs]

ST: Man, I don’t think it’ll be done by then. Have they even started filming? [Unintelligible shouting] Yeah, he says they’ve still got some casting to do.

KSP: Who is it you’re talking to?

ST: I don’t know. Some nigger who works here.

KSP: You’re on the set now?

ST: Set? No. I think this one’s going to be all CG, right? Like Sin City? I’m at Desilu in Hollywood. I don’t think they start shooting until… I think I heard something about Christmas 2008? But I can’t remember who told me that.

KSP: The film’s scheduled to be released on that day.

ST: Right.

KSP: I uh… guess you’re a little behind. So… we’ve heard Leonard Nimoy’s going to be in the film. How was it working with him? It’s gotta bring back some memories, right? You two worked on The Original Series together.

ST: Oh shit, maybe. Wait no… [Shouting] What was that show I did with Nimoy? [Unintelligible] No, he was Kirk! [Unintelligible] Really?

KSP: I… I actually know that you—

ST: [Interrupting] He’s saying something about a hooker? [Unintelligible shouting] I think this guy’s fucking with me. But I think there was a movie? Anyway, I recognized him when he came in to read. He was cool enough. Great tits.

KSP: We might be thinking about different people.

ST: No. He is.

KSP: Umm. Some people are worried about the fact that the original characters are going to be recast with younger actors. Do you see this as a problem, that it’s maybe a mistake to recast characters that much of the fanbase seems to hold sacred?

ST: No, not at all. I mean, I never understood that line of thinking, because this happens all the time. You can’t tell me the Pirates of the Caribbean movie would have been better if they used the robots from the ride. Right? And we did it ourselves with The Next Generation, and that worked great! And that was with a whole new cast! Nobody had a problem with that. And this time we’ve got most of the original cast coming back. They’re all coming back. This is not a new cast.

KSP: They’re all coming back? This is the first we’ve heard—

ST: [Interrupting] They’re all coming back.

KSP: That’s… awesome! I think I just came in my mouth a little bit! I would have thought they’d make a bigger deal out of that.

ST: [Silence] …Oh.

KSP: So all those rumors about William Shatner not being involved? It’s all a publicity stunt?

ST: Yeah, they’re all doing a lot of their own stuff. We’ve still got stunt guys, but a lot of these actors are really itching to do as much of it themselves as they can. This is going to be a much more action-oriented film. More Transformers than Star Trek, really. The script is only like 10 pages long! [Laughs] And it’s like explosions and cars flipping over for the whole thing! We’re relying much more on special effects than we have in the past. I think it makes it much easier on the writers and on the actors. They don’t have to do as much, you know?

KSP: “Cars flipping over”?

ST: Oh, yeah. This is… I don’t know how much I’m allowed to say about this, but the big climax of the film takes place in New York, just before the 9/11™ attacks, and Old Spock picks up Young Spock and—there’s two Spocks, did I tell you this? It’s a time-travel thing. Anyway, Old Spock throws Young Spock from the ground, straight into American Airlines Flight 11—except it’s Oceanic Flight 11 because that’s JJ [Abrams, the director]’s thing—and it stops the plane from hitting the tower. That’s why they went back in time, to stop 9/11™. But since his younger self is now dead, Old Spock dies in Luke’s arms, and it’s this real emotional scene. I mean it will be, once the FX guys get done with it. But they all forgot about United 175, and so one of the towers go down anyway, so Spock’s death was all for nothing. It was this big thing about faith or destiny or something. That’s kind of the question posed in the film. Should we have destiny? Should we change the past? It’s big questions. I’m sorry, what did you ask? I can’t remember the question. [Laughs]

KSP: This… the film’s going to be about 9/11™?

ST: Oh yeah, you asked about the car stunts. We’ve got Steve Carell coming in to play this taxi driver, kind of the comedy relief for the film, and he’s just hilarious. [Laughs] I’ve seen him in character when they were doing the makeup tests, and it’s just… [laughs] People are gonna be cracking up. He doesn’t speak English very good—I mean his character—and he keeps getting himself into the middle of these really crazy situations—like I said, cars flipping over—I don’t know, he kind of becomes our hero, you know? Well, you know, for black guys. It’s real inspirational.

KSP: Steve Carrell’s playing a black taxi driver?

ST: Yeah, you know, we’ve always been about acceptance and tolerance and all that, but I don’t think we’ve ever really had the blacks represented realistically in our movies. Well, we’ve got Uhura, but let’s be honest, action-wise, she’s white. I mean, the way she talks? That’s not black. And it’s fun because we get to have her meet the Steve Carell character, and it’s like she can’t even understand him. It’s like future shock! She gets to see where she lost her way.

KSP: Uh… I don’t know what’s going on here. I think this is the most disappointed I’ve ever been. I’ve got some some questions from our readers I promised I’d ask, and then we’ll stop.

ST: Go for it.

KSP: Reader mr_cock writes, “First, I just want to tell you how much me and my girlfriend love your shows—we even bought a TV so we could watch them! In episode 1×03 [Where No Man Has Gone Before], Kirk’s gravestone is labeled ‘James R. Kirk’, while everyone knows that Kirk’s middle name is ‘Tiberius’. How can this be possible? My girlfriend says it was just a mistake, but Gene never made mistakes, right?”

ST: Yeah, we’ve gotten a lot of shit for this over the years. But Gene [Roddenberry] is not in the new film, so it’s kind of a moot point now. He’s not in the film.

KSP: Reader 5beermission writes, “me and my wife just got married, and we had a traditional betazoid wedding ceremony. as you know, this means we are all naked, and the thing is I had an erection through the whole ceremony. my wife thinks it was cute, but now it wont go away and I dont know how to tell her. help me startrek, your my only hope!”

ST: That was Princess Leia! That was a Leia line. I watched A New Hope again yesterday, and I realized that light sabers were pretty much just big penises! [Laughs] Seriously, watch it again! I mean, they’d make them “erect” and they’d be all hard and they can hit them on stuff, and then they’d go “flaccid” [makes light saber sound] and they hook them on their belt! [Laughs] I tried to get them to put that in the new movie, but I guess someone called Space Balls already did it? When I heard that, I immediately put it on my Netflix queue. Space Balls? Gotta see that! But my queue is pretty long, so I don’t know when I’ll get to it. So I guess that kind of relates to what you’re saying. Oh! That’s what she said! About my queue. And your erection! [Laughs]

KSP: Okay, last one. Reader BenjaminDisco69 writes, “My girlfriend and I were wondering, what show currently on television do you think most exemplifies what Star Trek was trying to do?”

ST: I remember the first time I saw Enterprise I thought, “this is a total copy of my show!” I mean, they even named the ship Enterprise! But then it turns out it was actually one of ours, so I’m glad we didn’t go through with the lawsuit. But I don’t know, probably The Price is Right? Is that still on? Anything where you can win a car is gonna be pretty high on my list. And the sets always looked pretty futuristic to me, but I haven’t seen it in a while. But they had a lot of lights and numbers and stuff just like TOS.

KSP: This has been the most disheartening experience of my life, I think. Anything… you want to add before I hang up?

ST: Uh, I don’t—Actually yeah, there was this thing that happened to me yesterday. So yesterday I was walking along the road and looking at the clouds which were all kind of messed up and weird looking. And because I wasn’t paying attention, I walked through a spider web, and I hate spiders. And I’m not saying I’m afraid of them—I’m not. I just fucking hate them, and now I’ve got web all over my shirt, and who knows if there was a spider in there at the time. So I’m freaking out and then I see this cloud directly ahead of me that looks kind of like a duck. Not really, but a little bit. And I think, man, that must be God telling me to “duck”, right? Under the spiderweb? Then I’m thinking, that’s kind of shitty, because I didn’t see the duck cloud until after I walked through the spiderweb, which is just like… I mean, I know it was there the whole time, but God could have maybe warned me a little better than that? But then later I noticed that if I had ducked before, the spiderweb would have hit me in the face, which would have been even worse, so. [pause] It kind of makes you think. It made me think. I’m not trying to sound preachy, because I’m not a religious person, but… it was a spiritual experience. I… I’m a spiritual person, but I’m not a religious person. You get what I’m saying? I think spirituality is important. And sometimes you have to have faith. And that’s kind of at the heart of the new movie. So come see Star Trek IV or whatever number we’re at, opening this Christmas! May the force be with you!

Interviewer’s note: It is the 11th Star Trek film, and it is called simply “Star Trek”. It opens Christmas 2008.