The Official™ Renophaston review of Resident Evil: Extinction

I saw it: Resident Evil: Extinction. I should preface this review by saying that I’ve seen both Resident Evil and Resident Evil: Apocalypse, beat the first Resident Evil video game, played parts of the second, and watched my brother (whaazzzup, Ste!) play RE: 4. I didn’t particularly like any of them. But I like Milla Jovovich and I love zombies. Make a movie with both of these things in it, and I will have sex with its corpse. That’s almost an apt metaphor, because I don’t think I’d like to have sex with a corpse, and I don’t think I liked this movie. I’m going to review it now, like this (minor spoilers for the first few minutes of the movie):

The Good:

Milla Jovovich. Well, actually she wasn’t all that good in this movie. But after the movie I checked her website to see if she put up any more music demos, and she did! (You can find them here!) She really needs to put out another proper album, because her movies are hit and miss, and modeling is boring, but I like her music, except some of the Peopletree Sessions, but she only did that album on accident.

Another good thing was I saw a trailer for The Strangers, which looked pretty scary. You can see it here. (You’ll have to sit though a trailer for The Darjeeling Limited first, but that isn’t so bad.) The Strangers has Scott Speedman in it, and I like him. Felicity is one of the shows I like. He was awesome in Underworld, which was a pretty awesome movie. And speaking of complete circles, Milla Jovovich had a song on the Underworld soundtrack! (I c wat u did ther!)

Yet another thing: there was this one part of the movie where (original idea alert!) this one guy who was bad left this other guy to die even though he probably could have saved him, and someone behind me said, “That’s fucked up!” I really appreciated that, because I was confused and thought that maybe that was the heroic thing to do. This is the kind of “added-value” experience you can only get if you see the movie in the theater—why do you think it’s cheaper to rent a movie on DVD than to see it in the theater?

The Bad:

OK, I know they explained it, but there was a serious lack of water in this movie. I mean, I live in a world with a lot of water. There are literally knobs all over my house I can turn and water will come out instantly, whenever I want. How am I supposed to identify with any of these characters if they live in a place with a shortage of water? That’s ridiculous. And since I couldn’t identify with the characters, the whole movie was completely incomprehensible. They might as well have been speaking Aramaic. It was all Greek to me. I also don’t understand Japanese. I understand a little bit of Spanish and Hebrew, but that’s pretty much a lie.

Plus, the acting, writing, story, and special-effects were all pretty bad.

The Ugly:

Someone behind-the-scenes had the great idea to airbrush all the face out of most of Milla’s close-ups. This was very helpful in reminding me that Milla is beautiful, like how laugh tracks remind me that fart jokes are funny, even if I don’t understand them. I’m pretty sure I would have been able to figure it out even if they didn’t draw it all over her face, but as I said, I knew who she was before coming into the theater, and a good filmmaker always assumes the audience is made up of retards. So why is this in the “Ugly” section? Because they only did it most of the time, and they only did it to her face. There were some shots of her in the movie that were untouched, and while I could still tell she was beautiful, I’m not sure the other people in the theater with me could. Or would. Or did.

Also, this movie had two black people in it. WTF?

The Verdict:

If this movie was actually a series of webisodes leading up to Resident Evil: Vengeance or something, they would probably make me want to see the movie less, but I would still see it because it has Milla Jovovich and zombies in it. Kind of like the 30 Days of Night: Blood Trails series, except that series made me decide to not see 30 Days of Night because the webisodes I watched really sucked. Ha! I get it! 30 Days of Night would be cool if the vampires weren’t all violent, careless, and gory, like… zombies…

Maybe I will see it. (That’s the punchline.)

If you’re going to see one zombie movie this year that’s based on a video game and stars Milla Jovovich and Oded Fehr, see Resident Evil: Apocalypse. Or you could see this one instead, but I don’t think it’s as good. I give it a D out of 10 zombies.

The final word: Resident Evil: Extinction should have been called Resident Evil: The Least Entertaining One of Them.

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