Introducing 4 Christs™ Sake

Introducing kristuphil‘s first openly alcoholic beverage: 4 Christs™ sake!

A perfect night on the town.™

Our sake is made from the transubstantiated blood of four distinct breeds of Christ grown on our very own clone fields on Venus in the future, brought to the past to age in real-time, then finally blended together today in precise proportions developed over the last century in our occult-science labs at Günter Münty Fütwear.

History

Günter Münty Fütwear (a kristuphil, inc. wholly owned subsidiary), home of KSP’s occult-science labs, has been a staple in the blood industry for centuries, but with the popularization (and recent “sparklization”) of vampires, the market has been flooded with cheap and relatively high-quality blood, making it harder for an “old-guard” blood-seller like ourselves to stay relevant and profitable. So, with our profits declining, and with massive amounts of blood on our hands, we searched for alternative revenue sources.

Like Silly Putty®, our “sake-cess” began with a failure. We’d been working on a reverse-transubstantiation of Christ-blood for many years now, but had never managed to get it quite right, always ending up with a strangely seductive, yet decidedly un-winelike sake, which we gave to employees as gifts on holidays. But when our blood money began to run thin, someone mentioned how beloved the sake had become throughout the company, and suggested that there might be money to be made in sake, especially one as uniquely (un)holy as ours.

So we set up kristuphil Clone Farms on Venus and began experimenting with different species and brews of Christ, eventually settling on the four-part blend we call 4 Christs™.

The Christs

• Natural (Jewish) Christ – Although the term is used more loosely today, all authentic Christs must have at least 30% Jewish lineage. In fact, the taste you probably associate most closely with Christ is actually the Jew. Non-Jewish messiahs tend to have a strong metallic taste which needs to be masked by other ingredients, which is why they lack the purity that defines the true Christ. Our 4 Christs™ sake is at least 60% Jewish.
• White Christ – Though not a traditional Christ, White (or Caucasian) Christs are popular in America and Britain, though they’ve spread in recent decades and can currently be found all over the world. White Christs tend to be a bit blander than the historical types, and are often preferred by those not used to the strong taste of classic Christ. It is a “beginner” messiah and we use just a touch to help keep our sake smooth. It also causes the sake to turn blue when exposed to air, a trademark of kristuphil sake.
• Passion Christ – The other Christ most favored in America, Passion Christ contains high levels of adrenaline. Traditionally, the Christ is tortured before the blood is extracted. Our Christs are tortured for at least 10 years, and we are the only company that tortures our Christs for an additional 2 months post-mortem, giving our sake a uniquely mellow, relaxed buzz.
• Nazi Christ – The “secret ingredient” is our patented Nazi Christ. Originally bred for a different project altogether, the blood of Nazi Christs was found to add a lively “kick” to our sake. Alone, the taste is off-putting to most, but in small amounts, we found it to perfectly complement earthiness of the Jew, giving our sake a fullness unequaled on this planet.

4 Christs™ sake is a product of kristuphil Clone Farms. Available wherever alcohol is sold, as well as at participating churches. Ask “4” it by name.™

Silly Putty is a trademark of Binney & Smith Inc.

Announcing ‘The Meaning of POG!’

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
November 20, 2008
ANNOUNCING THE LAUNCH OF ‘THE MEANING OF POG’

The Internet — kristuphil, inc., the the west coast’s sixth-largest independent creator of uninteresting websites, is proud to announce the launch of The Meaning of POG, the latest in a series of soon-to-be-neglected web ventures providing unhelpful information to a world that didn’t ask for it.

The website, which explores the content and subtext of the 1990s promotional videos Searching for POG and The Legend of POG, fills a void kristuphil’s leader-in-charge saw on the Internet. Explaining his vision for the site, Renophaston said, “Some fan sites start with the fans and build, but the POG franchise has proved itself uniquely resistant to fandom. It’s been over a decade since the last video was released, and I have yet to find it mentioned on the Internet aside from the occasional “for sale” notice. So I decided to start with the site, and we’ll work on developing interest as a secondary concern somewhere down the line.”

Renophaston, creator of The Meaning of POG

The POG franchise, which released its most recent installment over 13 years ago, seems to have slipped under most peoples’ radars. Renophaston explains why he thinks this is the right time to start a community based on the unpopular series. “I think we have to face the fact that POG, the game, is probably not coming back. I personally see that as a good thing, since I think it served mostly as a distraction from the real thrust of the series. But more to the point, we cannot just wait and expect POGs to return to the forefront of public consciousness, carrying Herbie and friends along on its coattails. POG’s fifteen minutes may be over, but the Legend is forever ‘to be continued…'”

Long terms goals of the site include getting the videos released on DVD, organizing a cast reunion/reenactment/sleepover, and the release of the never-produced third entry in the series. But in the meantime, Renophaston is satisfied with the basics. “Right now we’ve just got the fundamentals like a synopsis for each video and an initial FAQ, but once this thing takes off, I’ll probably forget about it.”

The Meaning of POG can be found at themeaningofpog.wordpress.com. kristuphil, inc. is an pwned subsidiary of your mom and can be reached at their parent website, kristuphil.com or at their employee blog, kristuphil is telling you.