Interview with X-Files producer I.P. Sirius

This is a very “X”-citing day for us here at kristuphil is telling you. Why? Because we managed to score an “X”-clusive interview with I.P. Sirius. You’re thinking, “Who’s that, and what does it have to do with China?” Well I’ll tell you this: he’s one of the producers on the upcoming The X-Files movie! OMG X-Files! I was so “X”-cited I had to conduct the interview sitting down! jk lol Here’s the interview:

[beginning of interview]

kristuphil: Hello, Mr. Sirius?

I.P. Sirius: Hey, what’s up?

KSP: The sk— Aliens! Alien spaceships are up! I want to believe! Anyway, I’m really glad you agreed to do this interview. I’m a huge X-Phile. That’s with a “ph”, not an “f”. I’m not an X-file, that would be weird! [laughs] Hey, I want to apologize in advance for the quality of this thing; it’s my first time using Skype and I keep hitting the power button on my computer.

IPS: It sounds fine to me.

KSP: Good, good, yeah. Oh man, I’m nervous! What’s up with that? I mean, you’re just a producer! [pause] So yeah, I got some questions here, so I’m gonna run down the list and we’ll see if we can get any answers out of you!

IPS: Go ahead, shoot. Though I should mention that there’s not really a whole lot I’m allowed to say about the new film at this point. [series creator John] Carter and [writer Hank] Spotnitz are trying to keep the plot under wraps until a little closer to release.

KSP: Yeah, you guys are being pretty secretive. I mean, the release is only four months away and we still don’t even have a title!

IPS: Well, I think I can give you that much, at least! The official title is “X-Files 2: The Return”.

KSP: Oh, okay. [pause] It’s just… I… I had some some ideas I thought maybe you could use. I don’t know if you still want to hear them…

ISP: Uhh, sure. Okay.

KSP: I mean yours is good, but… Okay so, first there’s the obvious: “The Y-Files”, but my friends didn’t get it. I guess it’s a little… intellectual. So then I thought, we need a title that will get even the non-Trekkies interested, and I thought of the Movie movies, like Scary Movie and Girl Movie, which are crazy successful, and I came up with this: “Aliens Movie”. [pause] Which is good… but not great. So I kept trying because I’m kind of a perfectionist. Maybe you’ve noticed! Lawl! Anyway, I came up with a bunch of them: “The X-Files 2: Double X”, “X2: State of the X-Files”, “X-Refiled”, “File Under X-Files, Too!” But then I heard a rumor about maybe Mulder and Scully were gonna hook up in it, and then it hit me: “X-Files 2: The Sex Files”, and I was like, perfect! [pause] But… maybe it gives away too much in the title? I don’t know…

ISP: No, those are… Okay, yeah. Those are… fine. Maybe we’ll put ’em on the DVD or something!

KSP: Blu-Ray, you mean.

IPS: Sure, yeah.

KSP: It’ll be Blu-ray. [pause] Blu-ray is like the third generation of DVDs. They just skipped a generation because they’re so amazing. I would rape babies for The X-Files on Blu-ray. A year from now, everything’s gonna be Blu-ray. Did you know Blu-ray has six times the picture resolution of DVD on a competitively-sized disc? Six times! It’s eye-boggling. And the audio is literally unbelievable. But you have to have a good system. I know this is a cliché, but seriously, once you go Blu-ray, DVDs will make you die. They’re literally unwatchable! DVD is totally going the way of the compact disc, mark my words. Do you have an HDTV?

IPS: Uh, personally? No, I don’t have one yet.

KSP: Oh man, you should totally get one.

IPS: [pause] Okay. Do you want to get started with the questions?

KSP: Yeah, sure. Okay, question one: Since it’s been such a long time since we’ve had any new X-Files, a lot of people are wondering: is C.G.B. Spender going to make an appearance in the movie?

IPS: [laughs for some reason]

KSP: Cancer Man, the guy with the cigarettes.

IPS: Yeah, I know who you mean, but I can’t really answer questions about who you’ll see in the movie. But since the last time saw him he got blown up [in “The Truth“], it doesn’t seem very likely, does it?

KSP: Okay… right. I see what you did there. Okay, question two: Is Marita Covarrubias gonna show up?

IPS: Like I said, I really can’t answer that kind of question.

KSP: That “kind” of question? What’s that supposed to mean? [pause] So, what… you’re gonna pass on this one?

IPS: [laughs] Yeah. Pass.

KSP: [sigh] I guess question three, then: Will Alex Krycek be in the movie?

IPS: Are you serious? I can’t answer questions about who’s going to be in it, because if you ask about, for instance, Kersh and I say “no”, and then you ask about Samantha and I don’t answer, then you’ll assume—

KSP: You’re talking about Mulder’s sister.

IPS: Yeah, but I’m—

KSP: That’s weird, because after the season 7 episode, “Closure”, I thought her story was pretty much over. Is this gonna be a retcon, or is it a total reboot of the franchise, because if it’s—

IPS: No, listen. I was being hypothetical—

KSP: Oh, I beg to differ!

IPS: [pause] Uhhh…

KSP: Well whatever. I know some of the fans weren’t really happy with the way Samantha’s arc was resolved, so at least they’ll be happy. Where were we? Four? Question four: Mulder’s second informant, was his name officially “Mr. X”, or just “X”?

IPS: Uhh, just “X”. “Mr. X” sounds a little too much like “Mr. T”. But I want to go back and make sure you understand that I wasn’t—

KSP: Mr. T? I don’t remember a Mr. T.

IPS: You know, Mr. T. From The A-Team.

KSP: What, was that a spin-off or something?

IPS: No, The A-Team. That show with… with Mr. T. Like, Mr. “I pity the fool” T. I’m sure you know Mr. T.

KSP: I uhh… I think you’re showing your age here.

IPS: [laughs] I guess so!

KSP: But okay, you’ve finally answered one of my questions, so there’s that.

IPS: Hey, I’m really doing the best I can. I mean, I could lose my job if I—

KSP: Question five… or should I just call it “two”, since you wouldn’t answer my first three? Question TWO: Is Marita Covarrubias—oh wait. [pause] I think I confused myself.

IPS: [pause] You’re on five.

KSP: I know! I know that. Jesus. Fucking producers. God, okay. Question five: The X-Files is known for its enthusiastic fans known as “X-Philes”. What are some of your experiences with fans?

IPS: [laughing] Well, it usually goes a bit better than this!

KSP: Jesus Christ! I mean, I know you’re taking time out of what I’m sure is a “busy” producer schedule for this, but I’m trying to promote your fucking movie, and it’s like you’re… you’re fucking trying to fuck everything! Up! Why are you making this so hard?

IPS: I’m not trying to—I’m sorry. Sorry. That was rude. The fans… uhh, my experience with the fans, what little I’ve had, is that they motivate me. Seeing how enthusiastic they are makes me more enthusiastic about what I’m doing, and it makes me want to work harder to live up to, or hopefully exceed, their expectations. Everybody working on the film, we all do our best because of the fans, because we know how much they care. They’re the ones that make it possible for us to do what we do.

KSP: Which would be what?

IPS: I meant making The X-Files. Making this film.

KSP: But you’re a producer, you don’t make anything.

IPS: [laughs] I think maybe you should look up “producer” sometime, because I think you might be wrong there. As a producer, it’s my job to coordinate and supervise all aspects of the production. I make sure the film stays on track, and that we end up with something successful for the studio and, hopefully, satisfying for the fans.

KSP: Well, if you’re trying so hard to satisfy the fans, then why did you kill off the The Lone Gunmen?

IPS: Jeez! Like I said, “hopefully”. I’m not saying that was a mistake, but we don’t always get it right. And sometimes—

KSP: You mean like with the episode “First Person Shooter“? Because that was terrible. That was one of the worst, not even X-Files episodes, but, like, moments of my life.

IPS: Wow. Uhh, sorry?

KSP: Yeah, what do they say? Too little, too late. Anyway, next question. This is really a question for someone more interesting, like one of the actors, but since they’re not here, what is your favorite episode of The X-Files?

IPS: [laughs] I hesitate to say this now, but [laughs] I actually quite like “First Person Shooter”. I know it wasn’t a very—

KSP: Okay, fuck you. This interview is over. I have had enough of your… your… fucking… asshole! When they said they’d send a producer, I was disappointed, but I figured, hey, it’s The X-Files, I’ll take what I can get. But man, this is just… I am done! Done done done. [pause] I am so sick of this Hollywood bullshit! Hollywood is just so screwed up right now, there’s just… no words for it. They’re worried about piracy and YouTube, when they should really be worried about producers like you running around shitting all over everything and taking all the money to spend it on whores and… and…

IPS: [disconnects]

KSP: Good riddance! I don’t want you wasting any more of my time not answering any goddamn questions, like ever! Frakking dick! I don’t have to take this. I’m a journalist! [pause] Corporate big shots, they just don’t understand that the blogosphere is the future. Because they’re afraid! And they hate what they don’t understand. So… so frak them, and just… I don’t care. I really don’t! I don’t care, and… and that’s it. That’s it. Interview’s over. [pause] How do you turn this—

[end of interview]
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Interviewer’s note: X-Files 2: The Sex Files opens everywhere on July 25, 2008! Get “X”-cited! “X”-pect the un-“X”-pected! Be there… or be X²! And be “X”-cellent to each other!

Star Trek Interview

In anticipation of the new movie, we managed to score an exclusive phone interview with Star Trek, available only here on kristuphil is telling you (KITY). As always, our questions are in bold.

kristuphil: Hello?

Star Trek: Na-nu, na-nu! I am a robot. [Laughs]

KSP: Wow, Star Trek! It’s an honor to meet you, sir!

ST: “Sir”‘s my dad’s name. Please, call me Star Trek.

KSP: Alright, yeah. Let’s get started! We’ve heard a lot about the new movie coming out, when is it, Christmas 2008?

ST: Oh shit, seriously?

KSP: [Laughs] Yeah, it’s still a ways off! [Laughs]

ST: Man, I don’t think it’ll be done by then. Have they even started filming? [Unintelligible shouting] Yeah, he says they’ve still got some casting to do.

KSP: Who is it you’re talking to?

ST: I don’t know. Some nigger who works here.

KSP: You’re on the set now?

ST: Set? No. I think this one’s going to be all CG, right? Like Sin City? I’m at Desilu in Hollywood. I don’t think they start shooting until… I think I heard something about Christmas 2008? But I can’t remember who told me that.

KSP: The film’s scheduled to be released on that day.

ST: Right.

KSP: I uh… guess you’re a little behind. So… we’ve heard Leonard Nimoy’s going to be in the film. How was it working with him? It’s gotta bring back some memories, right? You two worked on The Original Series together.

ST: Oh shit, maybe. Wait no… [Shouting] What was that show I did with Nimoy? [Unintelligible] No, he was Kirk! [Unintelligible] Really?

KSP: I… I actually know that you—

ST: [Interrupting] He’s saying something about a hooker? [Unintelligible shouting] I think this guy’s fucking with me. But I think there was a movie? Anyway, I recognized him when he came in to read. He was cool enough. Great tits.

KSP: We might be thinking about different people.

ST: No. He is.

KSP: Umm. Some people are worried about the fact that the original characters are going to be recast with younger actors. Do you see this as a problem, that it’s maybe a mistake to recast characters that much of the fanbase seems to hold sacred?

ST: No, not at all. I mean, I never understood that line of thinking, because this happens all the time. You can’t tell me the Pirates of the Caribbean movie would have been better if they used the robots from the ride. Right? And we did it ourselves with The Next Generation, and that worked great! And that was with a whole new cast! Nobody had a problem with that. And this time we’ve got most of the original cast coming back. They’re all coming back. This is not a new cast.

KSP: They’re all coming back? This is the first we’ve heard—

ST: [Interrupting] They’re all coming back.

KSP: That’s… awesome! I think I just came in my mouth a little bit! I would have thought they’d make a bigger deal out of that.

ST: [Silence] …Oh.

KSP: So all those rumors about William Shatner not being involved? It’s all a publicity stunt?

ST: Yeah, they’re all doing a lot of their own stuff. We’ve still got stunt guys, but a lot of these actors are really itching to do as much of it themselves as they can. This is going to be a much more action-oriented film. More Transformers than Star Trek, really. The script is only like 10 pages long! [Laughs] And it’s like explosions and cars flipping over for the whole thing! We’re relying much more on special effects than we have in the past. I think it makes it much easier on the writers and on the actors. They don’t have to do as much, you know?

KSP: “Cars flipping over”?

ST: Oh, yeah. This is… I don’t know how much I’m allowed to say about this, but the big climax of the film takes place in New York, just before the 9/11™ attacks, and Old Spock picks up Young Spock and—there’s two Spocks, did I tell you this? It’s a time-travel thing. Anyway, Old Spock throws Young Spock from the ground, straight into American Airlines Flight 11—except it’s Oceanic Flight 11 because that’s JJ [Abrams, the director]’s thing—and it stops the plane from hitting the tower. That’s why they went back in time, to stop 9/11™. But since his younger self is now dead, Old Spock dies in Luke’s arms, and it’s this real emotional scene. I mean it will be, once the FX guys get done with it. But they all forgot about United 175, and so one of the towers go down anyway, so Spock’s death was all for nothing. It was this big thing about faith or destiny or something. That’s kind of the question posed in the film. Should we have destiny? Should we change the past? It’s big questions. I’m sorry, what did you ask? I can’t remember the question. [Laughs]

KSP: This… the film’s going to be about 9/11™?

ST: Oh yeah, you asked about the car stunts. We’ve got Steve Carell coming in to play this taxi driver, kind of the comedy relief for the film, and he’s just hilarious. [Laughs] I’ve seen him in character when they were doing the makeup tests, and it’s just… [laughs] People are gonna be cracking up. He doesn’t speak English very good—I mean his character—and he keeps getting himself into the middle of these really crazy situations—like I said, cars flipping over—I don’t know, he kind of becomes our hero, you know? Well, you know, for black guys. It’s real inspirational.

KSP: Steve Carrell’s playing a black taxi driver?

ST: Yeah, you know, we’ve always been about acceptance and tolerance and all that, but I don’t think we’ve ever really had the blacks represented realistically in our movies. Well, we’ve got Uhura, but let’s be honest, action-wise, she’s white. I mean, the way she talks? That’s not black. And it’s fun because we get to have her meet the Steve Carell character, and it’s like she can’t even understand him. It’s like future shock! She gets to see where she lost her way.

KSP: Uh… I don’t know what’s going on here. I think this is the most disappointed I’ve ever been. I’ve got some some questions from our readers I promised I’d ask, and then we’ll stop.

ST: Go for it.

KSP: Reader mr_cock writes, “First, I just want to tell you how much me and my girlfriend love your shows—we even bought a TV so we could watch them! In episode 1×03 [Where No Man Has Gone Before], Kirk’s gravestone is labeled ‘James R. Kirk’, while everyone knows that Kirk’s middle name is ‘Tiberius’. How can this be possible? My girlfriend says it was just a mistake, but Gene never made mistakes, right?”

ST: Yeah, we’ve gotten a lot of shit for this over the years. But Gene [Roddenberry] is not in the new film, so it’s kind of a moot point now. He’s not in the film.

KSP: Reader 5beermission writes, “me and my wife just got married, and we had a traditional betazoid wedding ceremony. as you know, this means we are all naked, and the thing is I had an erection through the whole ceremony. my wife thinks it was cute, but now it wont go away and I dont know how to tell her. help me startrek, your my only hope!”

ST: That was Princess Leia! That was a Leia line. I watched A New Hope again yesterday, and I realized that light sabers were pretty much just big penises! [Laughs] Seriously, watch it again! I mean, they’d make them “erect” and they’d be all hard and they can hit them on stuff, and then they’d go “flaccid” [makes light saber sound] and they hook them on their belt! [Laughs] I tried to get them to put that in the new movie, but I guess someone called Space Balls already did it? When I heard that, I immediately put it on my Netflix queue. Space Balls? Gotta see that! But my queue is pretty long, so I don’t know when I’ll get to it. So I guess that kind of relates to what you’re saying. Oh! That’s what she said! About my queue. And your erection! [Laughs]

KSP: Okay, last one. Reader BenjaminDisco69 writes, “My girlfriend and I were wondering, what show currently on television do you think most exemplifies what Star Trek was trying to do?”

ST: I remember the first time I saw Enterprise I thought, “this is a total copy of my show!” I mean, they even named the ship Enterprise! But then it turns out it was actually one of ours, so I’m glad we didn’t go through with the lawsuit. But I don’t know, probably The Price is Right? Is that still on? Anything where you can win a car is gonna be pretty high on my list. And the sets always looked pretty futuristic to me, but I haven’t seen it in a while. But they had a lot of lights and numbers and stuff just like TOS.

KSP: This has been the most disheartening experience of my life, I think. Anything… you want to add before I hang up?

ST: Uh, I don’t—Actually yeah, there was this thing that happened to me yesterday. So yesterday I was walking along the road and looking at the clouds which were all kind of messed up and weird looking. And because I wasn’t paying attention, I walked through a spider web, and I hate spiders. And I’m not saying I’m afraid of them—I’m not. I just fucking hate them, and now I’ve got web all over my shirt, and who knows if there was a spider in there at the time. So I’m freaking out and then I see this cloud directly ahead of me that looks kind of like a duck. Not really, but a little bit. And I think, man, that must be God telling me to “duck”, right? Under the spiderweb? Then I’m thinking, that’s kind of shitty, because I didn’t see the duck cloud until after I walked through the spiderweb, which is just like… I mean, I know it was there the whole time, but God could have maybe warned me a little better than that? But then later I noticed that if I had ducked before, the spiderweb would have hit me in the face, which would have been even worse, so. [pause] It kind of makes you think. It made me think. I’m not trying to sound preachy, because I’m not a religious person, but… it was a spiritual experience. I… I’m a spiritual person, but I’m not a religious person. You get what I’m saying? I think spirituality is important. And sometimes you have to have faith. And that’s kind of at the heart of the new movie. So come see Star Trek IV or whatever number we’re at, opening this Christmas! May the force be with you!

Interviewer’s note: It is the 11th Star Trek film, and it is called simply “Star Trek”. It opens Christmas 2008.