My Krismas List 2007 (by Renophaston)

Krismas Hat I don’t celebrate Christmas, and I hate presents, but if I found God at a garage sale or something and rubbed it and the Christmas genie came out, this is what I’d ask for:

  • Superman
  • Courage
  • A (direct-to-DVD?) new season of Firefly
  • An HDTV set that shows standard-def stuff as well as our current (SD) TV does
  • A high-quality video recording of the 2003-08-08 Björk show I attended in SF
  • Dramatically reduced maximum occupancy at Disneyland
  • Whirled Penis
  • Tickets to the San Jose show of the Spice Girls reunion tour, and I guess also a time machine so that I didn’t miss it already. Or wait, even better: I want the Spice Girls to call me tomorrow and go, “Hey, we read what you wrote about us on your Krismas blog, and we thought it was effing brilliant and we’d all like to meet you so we got you tickets to each of the New York shows in New York and we rented a whole floor of whatever the best hotel in NY is and we’ll all just hang out there (but we’ll leave you alone if you want) and we can get pizza or whatever!” And I’d be like, “OK, but I don’t know if I can get a ride.” And they’re like, “Fuck that, mate, we bought you a couple Air Force Ones! Zig-a-zig-ah.” The only bad thing about this would be that I don’t have every one of either of the Melanies’ albums, so that would be awkward, especially if I was to get them to autograph them. Still, I’m keeping this on my list. I can deal with a little bit of awkward. And it’s not like I don’t want them, it’s just I don’t have them yet. Yet. Oh man, you know what else I would want? I would want the opportunity to completely rewrite Spice World and have them remake it using my script. I think I could make a pretty fantastic movie about the Spice Girls. As long as the suits stay out of my goddamn way! Man, right now I’m tempted to write it anyway. In fact, I think this will be that project that I’ll always be working on but I’ll never finish, and it’ll become a running joke amongst the people who know me. All four of them. “Did you finish Spice Whirled yet?” “Ha ha, very funny. But seriously, it’s almost done!” (For the record, I would still settle for just the San Jose tickets and a time machine.)
  • Captain E/O on DVD, but somehow still in 3-D without using that red/blue bullshit. Laserdisc would also be acceptable, so long as it still has the original laser and fog effects. (This one might be tough.)
  • Invisibility, and the power to control it! Nothing would ruin my Krismas like making me disappear without a way to change me back. That would be a singular Krismas.
  • You know, since the Spice Girls thing, I can’t stop thinking about how it would still be cool to have even just the time machine by itself. So, if you can’t get the tix, at least get the time machine. But this is, like, a runner-up gift. Half-credit.
  • A lightsaber (of course)

Hmm. This ended up a lot more honest than I was expecting it to when I started.

So anyway, if you appreciate the entertainment I provide here on this blog (for free!), please consider purchasing all of these items for me. Cash donations over $1000 will also be (grudgingly) accepted. Email me your snail-mail address and I’ll fax you a location where you can make the drop. Then, in the comments, tell me what you want me to get for Krismas!

Merry Chr—Krismas! Shit. I almost fucked that up!