Interview with X-Files producer I.P. Sirius

This is a very “X”-citing day for us here at kristuphil is telling you. Why? Because we managed to score an “X”-clusive interview with I.P. Sirius. You’re thinking, “Who’s that, and what does it have to do with China?” Well I’ll tell you this: he’s one of the producers on the upcoming The X-Files movie! OMG X-Files! I was so “X”-cited I had to conduct the interview sitting down! jk lol Here’s the interview:

[beginning of interview]

kristuphil: Hello, Mr. Sirius?

I.P. Sirius: Hey, what’s up?

KSP: The sk— Aliens! Alien spaceships are up! I want to believe! Anyway, I’m really glad you agreed to do this interview. I’m a huge X-Phile. That’s with a “ph”, not an “f”. I’m not an X-file, that would be weird! [laughs] Hey, I want to apologize in advance for the quality of this thing; it’s my first time using Skype and I keep hitting the power button on my computer.

IPS: It sounds fine to me.

KSP: Good, good, yeah. Oh man, I’m nervous! What’s up with that? I mean, you’re just a producer! [pause] So yeah, I got some questions here, so I’m gonna run down the list and we’ll see if we can get any answers out of you!

IPS: Go ahead, shoot. Though I should mention that there’s not really a whole lot I’m allowed to say about the new film at this point. [series creator John] Carter and [writer Hank] Spotnitz are trying to keep the plot under wraps until a little closer to release.

KSP: Yeah, you guys are being pretty secretive. I mean, the release is only four months away and we still don’t even have a title!

IPS: Well, I think I can give you that much, at least! The official title is “X-Files 2: The Return”.

KSP: Oh, okay. [pause] It’s just… I… I had some some ideas I thought maybe you could use. I don’t know if you still want to hear them…

ISP: Uhh, sure. Okay.

KSP: I mean yours is good, but… Okay so, first there’s the obvious: “The Y-Files”, but my friends didn’t get it. I guess it’s a little… intellectual. So then I thought, we need a title that will get even the non-Trekkies interested, and I thought of the Movie movies, like Scary Movie and Girl Movie, which are crazy successful, and I came up with this: “Aliens Movie”. [pause] Which is good… but not great. So I kept trying because I’m kind of a perfectionist. Maybe you’ve noticed! Lawl! Anyway, I came up with a bunch of them: “The X-Files 2: Double X”, “X2: State of the X-Files”, “X-Refiled”, “File Under X-Files, Too!” But then I heard a rumor about maybe Mulder and Scully were gonna hook up in it, and then it hit me: “X-Files 2: The Sex Files”, and I was like, perfect! [pause] But… maybe it gives away too much in the title? I don’t know…

ISP: No, those are… Okay, yeah. Those are… fine. Maybe we’ll put ’em on the DVD or something!

KSP: Blu-Ray, you mean.

IPS: Sure, yeah.

KSP: It’ll be Blu-ray. [pause] Blu-ray is like the third generation of DVDs. They just skipped a generation because they’re so amazing. I would rape babies for The X-Files on Blu-ray. A year from now, everything’s gonna be Blu-ray. Did you know Blu-ray has six times the picture resolution of DVD on a competitively-sized disc? Six times! It’s eye-boggling. And the audio is literally unbelievable. But you have to have a good system. I know this is a cliché, but seriously, once you go Blu-ray, DVDs will make you die. They’re literally unwatchable! DVD is totally going the way of the compact disc, mark my words. Do you have an HDTV?

IPS: Uh, personally? No, I don’t have one yet.

KSP: Oh man, you should totally get one.

IPS: [pause] Okay. Do you want to get started with the questions?

KSP: Yeah, sure. Okay, question one: Since it’s been such a long time since we’ve had any new X-Files, a lot of people are wondering: is C.G.B. Spender going to make an appearance in the movie?

IPS: [laughs for some reason]

KSP: Cancer Man, the guy with the cigarettes.

IPS: Yeah, I know who you mean, but I can’t really answer questions about who you’ll see in the movie. But since the last time saw him he got blown up [in “The Truth“], it doesn’t seem very likely, does it?

KSP: Okay… right. I see what you did there. Okay, question two: Is Marita Covarrubias gonna show up?

IPS: Like I said, I really can’t answer that kind of question.

KSP: That “kind” of question? What’s that supposed to mean? [pause] So, what… you’re gonna pass on this one?

IPS: [laughs] Yeah. Pass.

KSP: [sigh] I guess question three, then: Will Alex Krycek be in the movie?

IPS: Are you serious? I can’t answer questions about who’s going to be in it, because if you ask about, for instance, Kersh and I say “no”, and then you ask about Samantha and I don’t answer, then you’ll assume—

KSP: You’re talking about Mulder’s sister.

IPS: Yeah, but I’m—

KSP: That’s weird, because after the season 7 episode, “Closure”, I thought her story was pretty much over. Is this gonna be a retcon, or is it a total reboot of the franchise, because if it’s—

IPS: No, listen. I was being hypothetical—

KSP: Oh, I beg to differ!

IPS: [pause] Uhhh…

KSP: Well whatever. I know some of the fans weren’t really happy with the way Samantha’s arc was resolved, so at least they’ll be happy. Where were we? Four? Question four: Mulder’s second informant, was his name officially “Mr. X”, or just “X”?

IPS: Uhh, just “X”. “Mr. X” sounds a little too much like “Mr. T”. But I want to go back and make sure you understand that I wasn’t—

KSP: Mr. T? I don’t remember a Mr. T.

IPS: You know, Mr. T. From The A-Team.

KSP: What, was that a spin-off or something?

IPS: No, The A-Team. That show with… with Mr. T. Like, Mr. “I pity the fool” T. I’m sure you know Mr. T.

KSP: I uhh… I think you’re showing your age here.

IPS: [laughs] I guess so!

KSP: But okay, you’ve finally answered one of my questions, so there’s that.

IPS: Hey, I’m really doing the best I can. I mean, I could lose my job if I—

KSP: Question five… or should I just call it “two”, since you wouldn’t answer my first three? Question TWO: Is Marita Covarrubias—oh wait. [pause] I think I confused myself.

IPS: [pause] You’re on five.

KSP: I know! I know that. Jesus. Fucking producers. God, okay. Question five: The X-Files is known for its enthusiastic fans known as “X-Philes”. What are some of your experiences with fans?

IPS: [laughing] Well, it usually goes a bit better than this!

KSP: Jesus Christ! I mean, I know you’re taking time out of what I’m sure is a “busy” producer schedule for this, but I’m trying to promote your fucking movie, and it’s like you’re… you’re fucking trying to fuck everything! Up! Why are you making this so hard?

IPS: I’m not trying to—I’m sorry. Sorry. That was rude. The fans… uhh, my experience with the fans, what little I’ve had, is that they motivate me. Seeing how enthusiastic they are makes me more enthusiastic about what I’m doing, and it makes me want to work harder to live up to, or hopefully exceed, their expectations. Everybody working on the film, we all do our best because of the fans, because we know how much they care. They’re the ones that make it possible for us to do what we do.

KSP: Which would be what?

IPS: I meant making The X-Files. Making this film.

KSP: But you’re a producer, you don’t make anything.

IPS: [laughs] I think maybe you should look up “producer” sometime, because I think you might be wrong there. As a producer, it’s my job to coordinate and supervise all aspects of the production. I make sure the film stays on track, and that we end up with something successful for the studio and, hopefully, satisfying for the fans.

KSP: Well, if you’re trying so hard to satisfy the fans, then why did you kill off the The Lone Gunmen?

IPS: Jeez! Like I said, “hopefully”. I’m not saying that was a mistake, but we don’t always get it right. And sometimes—

KSP: You mean like with the episode “First Person Shooter“? Because that was terrible. That was one of the worst, not even X-Files episodes, but, like, moments of my life.

IPS: Wow. Uhh, sorry?

KSP: Yeah, what do they say? Too little, too late. Anyway, next question. This is really a question for someone more interesting, like one of the actors, but since they’re not here, what is your favorite episode of The X-Files?

IPS: [laughs] I hesitate to say this now, but [laughs] I actually quite like “First Person Shooter”. I know it wasn’t a very—

KSP: Okay, fuck you. This interview is over. I have had enough of your… your… fucking… asshole! When they said they’d send a producer, I was disappointed, but I figured, hey, it’s The X-Files, I’ll take what I can get. But man, this is just… I am done! Done done done. [pause] I am so sick of this Hollywood bullshit! Hollywood is just so screwed up right now, there’s just… no words for it. They’re worried about piracy and YouTube, when they should really be worried about producers like you running around shitting all over everything and taking all the money to spend it on whores and… and…

IPS: [disconnects]

KSP: Good riddance! I don’t want you wasting any more of my time not answering any goddamn questions, like ever! Frakking dick! I don’t have to take this. I’m a journalist! [pause] Corporate big shots, they just don’t understand that the blogosphere is the future. Because they’re afraid! And they hate what they don’t understand. So… so frak them, and just… I don’t care. I really don’t! I don’t care, and… and that’s it. That’s it. Interview’s over. [pause] How do you turn this—

[end of interview]
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Interviewer’s note: X-Files 2: The Sex Files opens everywhere on July 25, 2008! Get “X”-cited! “X”-pect the un-“X”-pected! Be there… or be X²! And be “X”-cellent to each other!

I voted!

Everybody was acting like we were voting. I might have voted.