Exclusive Preview of Justice League #2!

We’re honored to get an exclusive preview page from issue two of the nu Justice League series! It looks pretty bad. Click to see it full size!

Here’s the solicitation information:

JUSTICE LEAGUE #2
Written by GEOFF JOHNS in his spare time
Art and cover by JIM LEE and SCOTT WILLIAMS, possibly
1:25 Variant cover by IVAN REIS and JOE PRADO
1:200 B&W variant cover for some reason
On sale LATE and with DIFFERENT CONTENTS
Around 40 pg, FC, $3.99 US • RATED T by default
Retailers: This issue will ship with three covers. Please order more than you can sell.
This is it! The throw-down, take-out, brawl-o-rama you’ve been waiting for since next month! This is like nothing you’ve seen before! One of these characters will die… IF HE (OR SHE!) LIVES THAT LONG! You’ve never seen comics like this! No! Shut up! We are reinvigorating the medium!

The actual plot blurb is this:

“What happens when the World’s Greatest Detective takes on the world’s most powerful alien? You’ll find out when Batman and Superman throw down. Batman will need all his intellect, cunning and physical prowess to take on The Man of Steel.”

So dull. “Superman and Batman will fight, and Batman will need to try if he’s going to win.”

BONUS!! Whoever notices the major mistake I made while taking the pictures wins nothing.

Blackest Night in Four Panels

Did anything happen in this series? I think it was just a whole lot of people getting new powers and then losing them, and then everybody’s okay at the end. Reading it was like watching someone play with action figures.

Reading my comic, on the other hand, is like watching someone go, “Dolls are for fags, retard”, and then later he cries because his parents won’t buy him any. Gah, I’m just mad that people liked this more than Final Crisis. Final Crisis was awesome! Blackest Night was so boring! I don’t get why people love it so much! It’s not fair! Wah!

I should get Geoff Johns to sign this at WonderCon.

Also: My Aquaman looks like you’d get greasy just looking at him. Gives me cooties.

Dicktective Comics

Anyone else notice the big purple dick in Detective Comics #860?

Purple is the new 'Flesh' (crayon joke)

I say it’s big because it reaches all the way from her heel to her knee.

And in Green Lantern Corps #43, we find out the Guy Gardner is an even bigger Kylie Minogue fan than I:

I should probably make a gay joke, but that would be gay.

Such a big fan, in fact, that when his best friend Kyle Rayner dies (for a minute), he still can’t get Kylie “out of his head.” Also, his heart stops and is replaced by a magic red ring sculpted from a stone made of crystallized blood and fueled by rage. Gives new meaning to “Heart Beat Rock“, unless that’s actually what that song is about.

EDITORIAL SECTION

I always thought the Red Lantern oath was pretty lame:

With blood and rage of crimson red,
Ripped from a corpse so freshly dead,
Together with our hellish hate,
We’ll burn you all–That is your fate!

See? How much cooler would this be:

Ooh, yeah, ooh, yeah.

Not any cooler. If I’ve ruined the Red Lanterns for even one person, then this post was worth it.

This makes two posts about unintentional sexuality in comic books. I’m so selling out.

Renophaston reports from SDCC 2009

I’m gonna fill you in on my Comic-Con experience, but first let me get this out of the way:

AAARRRGGGG AIRLINES!!!

Oh man! First of all, my plane blew up so so I had to wait in the lobby for like 20 minutes, and then they put me on a flight that was too long and I was bored the whole way to San Diego. And the food wasn’t even that good!

Other than that, I had a pretty great time! I got there late Wednesday, so I checked into my hotel room and got really drunk and sad and eventually fell asleep somewhere around 3:00 in the morning. The next day I woke up around 4:00 PM, which pissed me off because that means I missed like the whole day! So I quickly got dressed and ran downstairs and got a taxi to the convention center, swearing the whole way there. It was literally like a swearing convention, I’m serious. (No pun intended!) When I got there, I showed them my badge, and they told me my pass wasn’t good for Wednesday, and I’m like “This is Thursday!” and they beat the shit out of me. Long story short, it was totally Wednesday, and I made a big mistake. Kind of regret some of the things I said to the lady at the airport now lol! I was early, so I went and saw some local landmarks like the Fortaleza Ozama and the Faro a Colón. History is fun, kids!

I didn’t want to repeat that morning’s panic, so I went to bed early and woke up at like 4:00 in the morning, and there wasn’t even really anything I wanted to see on the first day. I watched TV for like 6 hours and then got dressed up. This year I went as Twilight from Twilight. I haven’t read any of the movies, but I like vampires, so… lol.. He’s pretty much Count Dracula except in jeans and a T-shirt, so I just pooped in the wax teeth I brought and I was ready to go! So here are some notes from my journal (poor man’s twitter haha!):

Highlights from Day 1:

• Seeing a lot of Black Lantern Michael Jacksons. Seriously, this is gonna be the Joker of 2009.
• Scott Aukerman is writing a Director Bones comic! I am very curious to see how this turns out.
• Cell phones are officially the Next Best Thing™ now—I haven’t seen this many since I went to the Verizon store!
• DC Comics will continue to publish Superman comics, kind of. Check out Blackest Night!
• My teeth are getting really soft in the heat.
• I thought I saw Grant Morrison, but it was just Brian K. Vaughan.
• Unfortunately, DC says digital comics still aren’t possible yet, despite their popularity.
• At the Marvel panel, Joe Quesada made a “Doctor in the house” joke about Doctor Voodoo, and it was hilarious. I just shit my pants thinking about it.
• The corporate presence is really getting out of hand this year. I couldn’t get into the Burn Notice panel because of the huge crowd of people trying to get a seat at the Avatar panel. It’s not called “Movie-Con”, assholes! Get a life!

A candid shot of Greg Land and me fighting over a troll doll. I didn't recognize him at first!

Highlights from Day 2:

• Wow, judging by all the people dressed as her, Whore Supergirl sure is popular! When are DC gonna realize they should give her her own comic? Oh wait, they do—it’s called Marvel Divas lol!
• I managed to find Gail Simone’s run on the Family Matters series (#266-279) for $15! I haven’t read these since I was a kid. Still missing the TGIFunnybooks X-mas Special (the one with Urkel Bot fighting Carl-dressed-as-Santa on the cover), though. I’ll put up some scans if I remember.
• Jesus shit! Alan Moore‘s writing Captain Marvel!?! At first I’m like, Why are they announcing this at a Marvel panel? Oops—wrong Captain Marvel! haha!
• Megan Fox has tits OMFG!
• I thought I saw Grant Morrison, but it was just Bendis. 😦
• Nobody seems to have recognized me yet, despite the big turnout for the Twilight panel. There is a character named Twilight, right?
• Mark Millar‘s making a movie out of his comic Kick-Ass. I can’t believe they’re letting him anywhere near a camera after what he did to The Spirit!

Me and Ernie Hudson (right), who was nice enough to let me snap a photo even though he didn't attend this year.

Highlights from Day 3:

• If I never see another Zombie Skrull Leia, it’ll be too many, I’m serious! It’s like it’s 2008 all over again! I’m like, didn’t we do this already? I thought 2008 was last year! Really, you guys? Last year called, it wants its memes back! No. Just… no.
• DC got the rights to T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents, which is weird because didn’t WildStorm just put out a bunch of minis about them a few years ago? Regardless, I’m down for more. Thunder Agents, Ho!
• I thought I saw Grant Morrison, but it was just Ilia from Star Trek, which is funny because they’re both bald!
• Peter Jackson and Guillermo del Toro are remaking Norbit… as two movies?!? Make it a trilogy and maybe we’ll talk lol!
• OK, DC—you’ve made your point! A married Green Arrow and Black Canary don’t work. We get it!
• Wait, they made a movie of Watchmen? Are you serious? That’s insane. Way too many people mentioned this for it to be a joke.

Well, I’m sick of doing this, so that’s it for this year! Never stop truckin’!