Bad Rap, Part the Third

Here’s the chorus from what I think is probably the lamest rap song I’ve ever heard, 213’s “Joystick“:

She said she wants to ride my joystick
She wants to ride, she wants to ride it

Umm… I’m not sure you’re doing it right. I think you’re trying to use “joystick” as a metaphor for penis, but you don’t ride a joystick, so it doesn’t work; you’re just saying “penis” using a different word. This song is full of video game references, and none of them work. Joysticks don’t “[go] the extra inch”. Joysticks aren’t “tasty in all kinds of ways”. And (this is key) you don’t fuck joysticks! Especially modern ones. I don’t think anything past the Atari 2600 really had controllers with any fuckable parts.^* And, I’ll be you a dollar she didn’t say “I want to ride your joystick.” She didn’t. I think you’re lying.

Secondly, and this is definitely a case of the pot calling the kettle “nigga”, but c’mon, 213. Three guys getting together to sing a song about dick and video games is just a little too lame for gangsta rap. I think you’ve lost some of your street cred here. Combined with the half-puns and broken metaphors, you’ve earned yourself a Bad Rap. Seriously you guys, you’re better than this.

I think this song is pretty much FUBAR, but if anyone wants to spit some rhymes about video games and/or sex, go for it in the comments.

^*This song came out before the Wii, so I’m not counting that.