Presidential Protuberance

In the fourth episode of The Super Milk Chan Show (“The Return of the Young Master from the Planet”), the President (definitely) is abducted by aliens and cloned as a food supply. Why should you care? Because they show him naked. Here’s my question:

Is that a penis or a belly button?

If you think it's a nose, then where's the mouth?

If you think it's a nose, then where's the mouth?

Stand up for your beliefs, and VOTE!

I’m not sure why, but I made it so you can vote for more than one. If you think it’s something else, post it in the comments, because I’m pretty sure all the options in the poll are wrong.

Take a stand for non-violent marriage!

In the spirit of Rick Warren bravely admitting that he doesn’t think marriage should include incest, I am also going to take a stand:

I am against redefining marriage to include tax fraud and arson.

If people could use “marriage” as an excuse to blow up buildings, then what’s keeping you from blowing your dad? Not the government. Not “self-restraint”. Certainly not THE JEWS. But that’s just the beginning—the next thing you know, your college degree is worthless and the price of gas changes. Wake up, DUMerica. It’s time for actionjust look at the stock market!

As the late hunger enthusiast Mohandas Gandhi said, “Аз не съм свободен, освен ако другите са роби.” (“I am not free, but that others are bound.”) A people is only as free as it is oppressed. If everybody has rights, what’s so big about YOURS?

Will you join me in opposing things, or are you a fag?

EDIT: Wow! I sure voted a lot of times! But it’s still neck and tie, so it’s anybody’s draw! And keep this on for size while you’re voting: California has a history of supporting gay rights, and look where that got them—as of the last election, gays can’t even get MARRIED in California!

Announcing ‘The Meaning of POG!’

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
November 20, 2008
ANNOUNCING THE LAUNCH OF ‘THE MEANING OF POG’

The Internet — kristuphil, inc., the the west coast’s sixth-largest independent creator of uninteresting websites, is proud to announce the launch of The Meaning of POG, the latest in a series of soon-to-be-neglected web ventures providing unhelpful information to a world that didn’t ask for it.

The website, which explores the content and subtext of the 1990s promotional videos Searching for POG and The Legend of POG, fills a void kristuphil’s leader-in-charge saw on the Internet. Explaining his vision for the site, Renophaston said, “Some fan sites start with the fans and build, but the POG franchise has proved itself uniquely resistant to fandom. It’s been over a decade since the last video was released, and I have yet to find it mentioned on the Internet aside from the occasional “for sale” notice. So I decided to start with the site, and we’ll work on developing interest as a secondary concern somewhere down the line.”

Renophaston, creator of <em>The Meaning of POG</em>

Renophaston, creator of The Meaning of POG

The POG franchise, which released its most recent installment over 13 years ago, seems to have slipped under most peoples’ radars. Renophaston explains why he thinks this is the right time to start a community based on the unpopular series. “I think we have to face the fact that POG, the game, is probably not coming back. I personally see that as a good thing, since I think it served mostly as a distraction from the real thrust of the series. But more to the point, we cannot just wait and expect POGs to return to the forefront of public consciousness, carrying Herbie and friends along on its coattails. POG’s fifteen minutes may be over, but the Legend is forever ‘to be continued…'”

Long terms goals of the site include getting the videos released on DVD, organizing a cast reunion/reenactment/sleepover, and the release of the never-produced third entry in the series. But in the meantime, Renophaston is satisfied with the basics. “Right now we’ve just got the fundamentals like a synopsis for each video and an initial FAQ, but once this thing takes off, I’ll probably forget about it.”

The Meaning of POG can be found at themeaningofpog.wordpress.com. kristuphil, inc. is an pwned subsidiary of your mom and can be reached at their parent website, kristuphil.com or at their employee blog, kristuphil is telling you.

Ghost? The results are in! UPDATED!

Remember when I posted that picture and I asked for your help to rationalize away something I feared and didn’t understand? Well, you did it! No, strike that—WE did it! (Seeing as I was responsible for 40% of the votes.) Here are the results of the voting:

  • Strange Reports: 1 vote
  • A Ghost: 1 vote
  • Other: 3 VOTES!

It’s unanimouse with 60% of the popular vote! The so-called “spirit” was actually just something else! I am relieved, because I was worried that it might have been what it was.

UPDATE!

Stop the presses! With your hand if you have to! It was a TIE! Observe the results as they were originally reported by the media:

Misleading Original Results
Misleading Original Results

An obvious victor, right? “Other” is the tallest contestant by far. But… who IS this “Other”? This reporter went deep undercover to uncover the truth: “Other” is none other than a conglomerate of three other candidates (no pun intended!) conspiring together to destroy democracy! Feast on your eyes—it’s the true face of Other:

  • ur mom
  • it’s just a little gas.
  • Stinky smell escaping when you took the sheets off the bed, perhaps.

Now take your gander to this new, updated, honest chart:

Meaningless True Results
Meaningless True Results

It’s a tie! Everybody loses! Reality is ambiguous (in my room at least), and we are probably doomed. Another win for democracy!

Disappointment.

beyond good and evil!

I am disappointed in us.  I thought we could keep a fair and balanced mindset through this election, but unfortunately the voters went to the polls with an obvious bias toward the better candidate.  Where is the level playing field?  Where is the bipartisanship?  This is not fairness, Amerikkka.  A person’s chance at the presidency should not be effected by his political beliefs.  That is PREJUDICE.

Voting is beyond good and evil. Election Day should be about feeling good about yourself for being right about things you don’t understand, not about picking favorites. I think we owe John McCain an apology. This was an important race, and it deserved to be decided by statistical error or divine intervention like when I was a kid.

Possible ghost? Please refute.

Calling all ghost-hunters, UFO-perts, and necrophiliacs, and I’m serious about this.  Going through some boxes, I found this photo I made took a few years ago (January 27, 2001). Flickr has the full-size version. (Sorry about the watermark, but I don’t want people taking credit in case it’s real.)

Reel ghost proof? Choose your <em>own</em> adventure.

Reel ghost proof? Choose your own adventure.

Do you see that? On the left. Does it look like a spirit/ghost to you?  I can tell it’s not just some trick, because it doesn’t cast light on the walls.  I don’t know of anything natural that can do that.  Also, when I open the picture up in Photoshop, the spirit is on different layer than the background!  How did that happen?!? My camera (Canon Powershot S10) is too old to support layers. Was there some kind of top-secret military test going on on 1/27/2001? God I hope so. And on the left, look:

Spirit portal?

Spirit portal?

WTF, is that a spirit portal or something? This is freaking me out. And check out this closeup:

Spirit face comparison.

Spirit face comparison.

That’s a face, right? It kind of… looks like me, doesn’t it? Oh jeez…

Anyway, I made a decision a few years back to not believe in ghosts, so I’d really appreciate it if someone could explain this. Hopefully before Halloween. All the experts I’ve contacted refuse to talk to me about it. Is it a weather balloon? I don’t even know!

Sincerely,
Sleepless in Seattle

P.S. – Please vote below, even if you don’t know the answer. A bigger sample size increases accuracy. Hint: you can vote more than once!

UPDATE: The results are in! But don’t let that stop you from voting! Remember—It’s never too late to vote!

Supermans visit Jerkcity

don't drink the jizz

In this week’s installment of Supes On, Supermans Red and Blue take a trip to a poor imitation of Jerkcity. Click here or on the image above to see how it went!

A Day in the Death #4

Trinity #6

The wait is over! BUT, and I have a big BUTT, it sucks and it doesn’t make sense. And I think I’ll link to it wrong.

Official™ Renophaston Gangsta Babies Series 1 Review

I woke up to a pretty nice surprise this morning! Mezco was nice enough to send me 100 cases of series 1 of their new Gangsta Babies line for (I’m assuming) review purposes. After going through most of them, I’ve come to this conclusion: they rock… or rap, if you’ll pardon the pun! Details in the review:

Gangsta Babies a kill you sucka!

Gangsta Babies a kill you sucka!

(I should note that these were pre-release review versions, and they might not accurately represent what is finally sent out to retailers later this year. Also, I have to apologize for the lack of photos—I tried taking some, but the Babies would always fade out of them like in Back to the Future. I didn’t know that could happen with digital pictures, but oh well. The pictures here are from promotional materials.)

Packaging

I have to say I don’t entirely understand the packaging. I’m not up with modern gangsta culture, so let me know if I’m missing a reference or something, but they came in a broken-down UPS truck. Does that mean something? It’s full-size, and it looks real, but it won’t start. Color me confused. Inside of that were a bunch of regular window display boxes that I found somewhat garish, but that I guess fit well enough with the “bling-bling” theme. I was surprised to notice there weren’t any air-holes (!), but I’ll get to that later. I give packaging a tentative 3 / 5, but I’m willing to reconsider if someone can explain the truck to me. [UPDATE: The truck is now gone! I guess somebody stole it? I live in a pretty nice neighborhood, so this is kind of unexpected. It’s not trash day or anything. Fortunately I already unloaded most of the boxes.]

blingin' the town red!

Gangsta Babies: blingin' the town red!

Design

Okay, here’s where we get to my biggest problem with this series. The lack of air-holes should have tipped me off, but when I see a box of “Gangsta Babies”, that’s what I expect to get. I guess they were trying to save on manufacturing costs or something, but these little guys are made out of plastic. Not even the hands are real. I don’t know if they thought collectors wouldn’t notice or what, but they’re fucking toys. I know, right? But if you can get past that, there’s a still lot here to like about these lil’ niggaz.*

*”Niggaz” in the platonic sense.

First off, these guys are cute. Seriously, I bet I could swap one of these out for one of my friends’ real babies, and even if they noticed the change, they’d be cool with it because these guys are so precious. Rey Rey in particular has stolen my heart. (If I wasn’t already married…!)

The one exception here is Benjino, who creeps me the fuck out. All my Benjinos are burning in a pile in my backyard.

One other quick nitpick—at 10 inches, these aren’t quite to scale with the traditional 16-inch Cabbage Patch Kids line. This may not be a problem for you, but it really pissed me off. I’m better now, but… well, let’s just say my phone bill is going to be huge this month and leave it at that. Overall, I give the design a solid 4 ¾ / 5 ½.

Accessories

Going over the list of accessories for each doll, something “interesting” pooped out at me: no guns! Personally, I’m okay with this. I know some people will be upset that they decided to go with the Ebonics™, gaudy-jewelry, singing-songs-about-money-for-a-living gangsta rather than the kill-your-brother, rape-your-sister, sell-drugs-to-your-kids gangsta, but I am pleased with the decision. With all the violent, vulgar toys being marketed to kids these days, it’s nice to see something as benign as this on the shelves. Still, a gangsta without a gun is like Harold Melvin without the Blue Notes—he’s gonna get shot. Or melted.

One other notable oversight: no hos. It’s a regular plastic-sausage festival up in here. To make the babies objectify anyone sexually, I had to buy a case** of Baby Alive Wets and Wiggles, and those are literally fucking expensive! If this first wave does well, I wouldn’t mind seeing a “couples” wave that had magnets in the crotches or wherever. (Also an action-feature would be nice; after nearly 100 “gang”-bangs, I was getting tired.)

**Only one case was needed because gangstas prefer to share the women they use for sex. See “Ain’t No Fun (If The Homies Can’t Have None)” for further information.

As for the accessories they actually come with—they’re alright. Not great. 10 / 10

Value

I hate to harp on this same point over and over again, but if these were made using real babies, they would be a steal, but as it is, I think $25 is a little steep, and Gangsta Babies might find themselves appealing mostly to a niche market of collectors willing to spend a bit more for a collector’s-quality gangster-themed plastic baby. That said, I do think Gangsta Babies are probably the best gangsta-themed (plastic) babies on the market right now. Score: 7 / 6.5

Verdict

I’m still bummed about the name (“Gangsta Dolls“, anyone?), but overall these deez pimps iz da shiznit, real talk! Seriously, these guys are really great. If I had any interest at all in things like this and didn’t just think they were stupid, I’d be all over them like blue on a crip’s onesie.

Packaging: 3 / 5
Design: 4 ¾ / 5 ½
Accessories: 10 / 10
Value: 7 / 6.5

Total: 24 ¾ / 26.5 ½ ≈ 0.91666667

(All scores out of 5.)

Thanks for saving Earth Silver Surfer…almost

April Fools!

Seriously.