Told you so.

Do I get extra points or a deduction for answering their questions honestly?

Blackest Night in Four Panels

Did anything happen in this series? I think it was just a whole lot of people getting new powers and then losing them, and then everybody’s okay at the end. Reading it was like watching someone play with action figures.

Reading my comic, on the other hand, is like watching someone go, “Dolls are for fags, retard”, and then later he cries because his parents won’t buy him any. Gah, I’m just mad that people liked this more than Final Crisis. Final Crisis was awesome! Blackest Night was so boring! I don’t get why people love it so much! It’s not fair! Wah!

I should get Geoff Johns to sign this at WonderCon.

Also: My Aquaman looks like you’d get greasy just looking at him. Gives me cooties.

Introducing 4 Christs™ Sake

Introducing kristuphil‘s first openly alcoholic beverage: 4 Christs™ sake!

A perfect night on the town.™

Our sake is made from the transubstantiated blood of four distinct breeds of Christ grown on our very own clone fields on Venus in the future, brought to the past to age in real-time, then finally blended together today in precise proportions developed over the last century in our occult-science labs at Günter Münty Fütwear.

History

Günter Münty Fütwear (a kristuphil, inc. wholly owned subsidiary), home of KSP’s occult-science labs, has been a staple in the blood industry for centuries, but with the popularization (and recent “sparklization”) of vampires, the market has been flooded with cheap and relatively high-quality blood, making it harder for an “old-guard” blood-seller like ourselves to stay relevant and profitable. So, with our profits declining, and with massive amounts of blood on our hands, we searched for alternative revenue sources.

Like Silly Putty®, our “sake-cess” began with a failure. We’d been working on a reverse-transubstantiation of Christ-blood for many years now, but had never managed to get it quite right, always ending up with a strangely seductive, yet decidedly un-winelike sake, which we gave to employees as gifts on holidays. But when our blood money began to run thin, someone mentioned how beloved the sake had become throughout the company, and suggested that there might be money to be made in sake, especially one as uniquely (un)holy as ours.

So we set up kristuphil Clone Farms on Venus and began experimenting with different species and brews of Christ, eventually settling on the four-part blend we call 4 Christs™.

The Christs

• Natural (Jewish) Christ – Although the term is used more loosely today, all authentic Christs must have at least 30% Jewish lineage. In fact, the taste you probably associate most closely with Christ is actually the Jew. Non-Jewish messiahs tend to have a strong metallic taste which needs to be masked by other ingredients, which is why they lack the purity that defines the true Christ. Our 4 Christs™ sake is at least 60% Jewish.
• White Christ – Though not a traditional Christ, White (or Caucasian) Christs are popular in America and Britain, though they’ve spread in recent decades and can currently be found all over the world. White Christs tend to be a bit blander than the historical types, and are often preferred by those not used to the strong taste of classic Christ. It is a “beginner” messiah and we use just a touch to help keep our sake smooth. It also causes the sake to turn blue when exposed to air, a trademark of kristuphil sake.
• Passion Christ – The other Christ most favored in America, Passion Christ contains high levels of adrenaline. Traditionally, the Christ is tortured before the blood is extracted. Our Christs are tortured for at least 10 years, and we are the only company that tortures our Christs for an additional 2 months post-mortem, giving our sake a uniquely mellow, relaxed buzz.
• Nazi Christ – The “secret ingredient” is our patented Nazi Christ. Originally bred for a different project altogether, the blood of Nazi Christs was found to add a lively “kick” to our sake. Alone, the taste is off-putting to most, but in small amounts, we found it to perfectly complement earthiness of the Jew, giving our sake a fullness unequaled on this planet.

4 Christs™ sake is a product of kristuphil Clone Farms. Available wherever alcohol is sold, as well as at participating churches. Ask “4” it by name.™

Silly Putty is a trademark of Binney & Smith Inc.

Dicktective Comics

Anyone else notice the big purple dick in Detective Comics #860?

Purple is the new 'Flesh' (crayon joke)

I say it’s big because it reaches all the way from her heel to her knee.

And in Green Lantern Corps #43, we find out the Guy Gardner is an even bigger Kylie Minogue fan than I:

I should probably make a gay joke, but that would be gay.

Such a big fan, in fact, that when his best friend Kyle Rayner dies (for a minute), he still can’t get Kylie “out of his head.” Also, his heart stops and is replaced by a magic red ring sculpted from a stone made of crystallized blood and fueled by rage. Gives new meaning to “Heart Beat Rock“, unless that’s actually what that song is about.

EDITORIAL SECTION

I always thought the Red Lantern oath was pretty lame:

With blood and rage of crimson red,
Ripped from a corpse so freshly dead,
Together with our hellish hate,
We’ll burn you all–That is your fate!

See? How much cooler would this be:

Ooh, yeah, ooh, yeah.

Not any cooler. If I’ve ruined the Red Lanterns for even one person, then this post was worth it.

This makes two posts about unintentional sexuality in comic books. I’m so selling out.

Supes On… Social Networking!

Supermans Red and Blue learn that there’s more to a person than the type of music they like and what their favorite TV show is… except when there isn’t.

Renophaston sez, “If you take away all my stuff, I won’t have anything at all.“

Robot + Rape = Rape

The new WALL-E comic has surprise buttsecks:

He is obviously drunk. But that is no excuse.

Official™ Renophaston review of Flatland 2

I finally got my hands on a copy of the legendary “unpublished” sequel to Flatland (one of my favorite books of all time). I’ve been looking for a copy of this my whole life. I know, I know, there are plenty of sequels to Flatland, but I’m talking about the official, from Edwin Abbott’s notes, direct continuation. This thing is practically myth, and all but the most obsessed Flatland-fan would deny its very existence. Don’t believe I have it? Check this shit out (click to enlarge):

Flatland 2: Page 1

Flatland 2: Pages 2-3

Flatland 2: Pages 4-5

So why haven’t you heard of it? The way I heard the story, Abbott considered Flatland a one-off thing, but due to public pressure, he started work on a sequel. But apparently he never arrived at anything he was happy with, so he shelved the project indefinitely, and eventually died. BUT! The 50s came along, and sci-fi was selling, and out of nowhere came… this guy (whose name I exasperatingly can’t recall, and who is mentioned nowhere in the cover-stripped paperback I have) who claimed to be Abbott’s illegitimate grandson, and who was in possession of notes and papers he claimed were Abbott’s. Among these were an outline for a sequel to Flatland and numerous aborted drafts of the same.

Enter Avon Books, who was like, “fuck it, good enough”, and commissioned a full novel, which was finished, printed, bound… and then pulped. Presumably due to some legal issues overlooked during the accelerated production schedule and arising from the increasing likelihood that the alleged grandson was entirely full of crap. So all orders were canceled, the books were destroyed, and (as this was way before the Internet) the book was promptly forgotten. Mind you, any or all of this may be false, and up until two weeks ago, I was pretty much convinced the book itself was solely rumor and legend.

But now, I’ve read it, and I’m ready to share my two cents!

Warning: SPOILERS AHEAD!

As you can tell by the subtitle (“Sphere Is the Mind-Killer“) and table of contents pages above, Flatland 2 is no longer a “Romance”, but rather a pulpy sci-fi in the vein of Asimov and Heinlein, only not as good. In fact, throughout my reading, I often found myself thinking of the big, dumb blockbusters that pass for “sci-fi” today (think Transformers, Independence Day) which feature the trappings of sci-fi without any of the heart or intelligence.

But that’s being too harsh. There are certainly some worthwhile ideas here (the manner in which the Flatlanders mollify Cthulhu—which I wouldn’t dare spoil on my lame-ass blog!—is fucking brilliant, and I can’t believe I haven’t seen it elsewhere), and as a meditation on the relationship between science and religion, I think Flatland 2 was ahead of its time. Its these aspects that make me tend toward believing that the author was indeed in possession of some of Abbott’s notes, though I wish he had stuck to them more than he did, or maybe passed them on to someone more qualified to finish what Abbott had started.

But all this is overshadowed by a generic “sci-fi” war story with overly-telegraphed, “shocking” revelations in every chapter and plot holes (e.g., the “Proof Cube”, which the disciples of Sphere revere in a way similar to the Catholic’s “bleeding statues of Virgin Mary”, is revealed to be a simple square, but it is never explained how any of the Flatlanders can know this) that make this really hard to take seriously. The fact that the ideas (what this book is ostensibly about) are actually intriguing makes this all the more frustrating.

For example, when Sphere returns, he finds that the Flatlanders have made a religion out of the knowledge he brought them 1,000 years ago, but that religion has divorced itself almost completely from any rational, scientific discourse, and the Flatlanders have made literally no progress—if anything they’ve regressed to a more primitive state. Instead of freeing their minds, he has frozen them like deer in headlights. But the author does nothing with this. He drops that story line, and instead, has Sphere show up with a deus ex machina that would make James Bond blush, never to deal with the real conflict. Not only does this ending come out of nowhere, but it also manages to avoid resolution of nearly every plot thread set up in the previous 250+ pages. The whole book is like this, and while some people would call it “subverting expectations”, I call it shitty plotting. Maybe the author should have spent more time on the story, and less on the countless puns that litter the text.

But as I said, the seed is there for a quality novel, perhaps not on the level of the original, but compelling nonetheless. The idea of two warring religious factions being confronted by their deity and being found lacking is both archetypal and compelling, as is a religion based upon scientific knowledge of reality, rather than upon morality (the ideas of “right” and “wrong” are rarely—if ever—mentioned in the novel, and most of the conflict stems from disagreements about conflicting “truths” and their relative usefulness and accuracy, though dogmatic bullheadedness certainly comes into play). In someone else’s hands, this may have done for religious and scientific thought what Flatland did for the Victorian social-structure and multi-dimensional thinking.

Alas, despite its auspicious but stymied sparks of brilliance, this book can’t hold a candle to its predecessor, or even to most of the unofficial sequels written by others. Carelessness on the part of the author (at one point, a Flatlander actually holds up the severed head of an enemy soldier so that all can see) and a reticence toward actually dealing with the substantive subject matter (along with the fact that it was not actually published, of course!) doom Flatland 2 to obscurity through reader indifference. Beyond all that, though, the real tragedy of this book is that, while reading it, one can’t help but wistfully imagine what this book would have been if Abbott was able to finish it himself.

Renophaston reports from SDCC 2009

I’m gonna fill you in on my Comic-Con experience, but first let me get this out of the way:

AAARRRGGGG AIRLINES!!!

Oh man! First of all, my plane blew up so so I had to wait in the lobby for like 20 minutes, and then they put me on a flight that was too long and I was bored the whole way to San Diego. And the food wasn’t even that good!

Other than that, I had a pretty great time! I got there late Wednesday, so I checked into my hotel room and got really drunk and sad and eventually fell asleep somewhere around 3:00 in the morning. The next day I woke up around 4:00 PM, which pissed me off because that means I missed like the whole day! So I quickly got dressed and ran downstairs and got a taxi to the convention center, swearing the whole way there. It was literally like a swearing convention, I’m serious. (No pun intended!) When I got there, I showed them my badge, and they told me my pass wasn’t good for Wednesday, and I’m like “This is Thursday!” and they beat the shit out of me. Long story short, it was totally Wednesday, and I made a big mistake. Kind of regret some of the things I said to the lady at the airport now lol! I was early, so I went and saw some local landmarks like the Fortaleza Ozama and the Faro a Colón. History is fun, kids!

I didn’t want to repeat that morning’s panic, so I went to bed early and woke up at like 4:00 in the morning, and there wasn’t even really anything I wanted to see on the first day. I watched TV for like 6 hours and then got dressed up. This year I went as Twilight from Twilight. I haven’t read any of the movies, but I like vampires, so… lol.. He’s pretty much Count Dracula except in jeans and a T-shirt, so I just pooped in the wax teeth I brought and I was ready to go! So here are some notes from my journal (poor man’s twitter haha!):

Highlights from Day 1:

• Seeing a lot of Black Lantern Michael Jacksons. Seriously, this is gonna be the Joker of 2009.
• Scott Aukerman is writing a Director Bones comic! I am very curious to see how this turns out.
• Cell phones are officially the Next Best Thing™ now—I haven’t seen this many since I went to the Verizon store!
• DC Comics will continue to publish Superman comics, kind of. Check out Blackest Night!
• My teeth are getting really soft in the heat.
• I thought I saw Grant Morrison, but it was just Brian K. Vaughan.
• Unfortunately, DC says digital comics still aren’t possible yet, despite their popularity.
• At the Marvel panel, Joe Quesada made a “Doctor in the house” joke about Doctor Voodoo, and it was hilarious. I just shit my pants thinking about it.
• The corporate presence is really getting out of hand this year. I couldn’t get into the Burn Notice panel because of the huge crowd of people trying to get a seat at the Avatar panel. It’s not called “Movie-Con”, assholes! Get a life!

A candid shot of Greg Land and me fighting over a troll doll. I didn't recognize him at first!

Highlights from Day 2:

• Wow, judging by all the people dressed as her, Whore Supergirl sure is popular! When are DC gonna realize they should give her her own comic? Oh wait, they do—it’s called Marvel Divas lol!
• I managed to find Gail Simone’s run on the Family Matters series (#266-279) for $15! I haven’t read these since I was a kid. Still missing the TGIFunnybooks X-mas Special (the one with Urkel Bot fighting Carl-dressed-as-Santa on the cover), though. I’ll put up some scans if I remember.
• Jesus shit! Alan Moore‘s writing Captain Marvel!?! At first I’m like, Why are they announcing this at a Marvel panel? Oops—wrong Captain Marvel! haha!
• Megan Fox has tits OMFG!
• I thought I saw Grant Morrison, but it was just Bendis. 😦
• Nobody seems to have recognized me yet, despite the big turnout for the Twilight panel. There is a character named Twilight, right?
• Mark Millar‘s making a movie out of his comic Kick-Ass. I can’t believe they’re letting him anywhere near a camera after what he did to The Spirit!

Me and Ernie Hudson (right), who was nice enough to let me snap a photo even though he didn't attend this year.

Highlights from Day 3:

• If I never see another Zombie Skrull Leia, it’ll be too many, I’m serious! It’s like it’s 2008 all over again! I’m like, didn’t we do this already? I thought 2008 was last year! Really, you guys? Last year called, it wants its memes back! No. Just… no.
• DC got the rights to T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents, which is weird because didn’t WildStorm just put out a bunch of minis about them a few years ago? Regardless, I’m down for more. Thunder Agents, Ho!
• I thought I saw Grant Morrison, but it was just Ilia from Star Trek, which is funny because they’re both bald!
• Peter Jackson and Guillermo del Toro are remaking Norbit… as two movies?!? Make it a trilogy and maybe we’ll talk lol!
• OK, DC—you’ve made your point! A married Green Arrow and Black Canary don’t work. We get it!
• Wait, they made a movie of Watchmen? Are you serious? That’s insane. Way too many people mentioned this for it to be a joke.

Well, I’m sick of doing this, so that’s it for this year! Never stop truckin’!

Welcome!

Recently, the Xbox 360 RRoD’d, and we sent it to Microsoft and they sent us one that still worked. This is the bag it came back to us in:

Here’s a detail shot of the text covering the bag:

'Welcome' in a bunch of languages.

???

What this blog is about

Here’s a screencap from Technorati’s page about kristuphil is telling you:

Link-Ups: The Link Team-Up Comic!

LINK-UPS #1
Written by KRIS L-B
Art and cover by KRIS L-B
4-ish PGS./FC/Rated AR …FREE!
From comics-shattering superstar Kris L-B (SUPES ON, COMEDIX) comes LINK-UPS, a brand-new non-going series showcasing Link team-ups throughout his career! Described as “the most disturbing thing [Kris has] ever written” by Stert (A DAY IN THE DEATH), LINK-UPS is “Lost” with a “Wainy Days” twist! A date goes horribly wrong when Octoroks come crashing! Can a child and a monkey from two different games make love work despite unbeatable odds? What happened to AiAi? And what will Zelda say? None of these questions and more will be answered in this fourish-page, fully-illustrated, totally unauthorized comics crossover event of the year!* Featuring MeeMee!

Retailers please note: This issue will ship with 3 2/3 covers. For every 25 copies of the Standard Edition (the correctly printed cover), retailers may order one copy of the Reversed Variant Edition (printed backwards and unreadable). For every 250 copies of the Standard Edition, retailers may order one copy of the Green Variant Edition (printed without magenta ink) and 2/3 copy of the Printer Jam Variant Edition (ripped and crumpled). Please see the Previews Order Form for more information.

* Last year. I made this for Internet as a birthday present in 2008, but forgot to put it up here.

Issue #2 coming in ur buttholes!

Legend of (the) POG: The Remake?

Well. That looks… different. It’s going direct-to-DVD, which isn’t surprising. Doesn’t look like there’s going to be a VHS version. Here’s the synopsis from Lionsgate (via bloody-disgusting.com):

When a 2000-year old mummified murder victim – a Pog Body – is inadvertently disturbed, he rises from the dead. Mummified for retribution and trapped for eternity, his body is unable to decay and his soul is unable to reach heaven or hell. As this Pog Body returns to life, he wreaks havoc on a local group of strangers who unwittingly share a guilty secret. Alone in the dark, they are met with misfortune as this mysterious victim seeks vengeance on their dark past.

Looks like they’re doing an “Evil Dead 2” sequel/remake thing. The “Pog Body” is obviously Burp, except now he’s traveled to the future as a mummy rather than via the (admittedly cheesy) time portal of the original. It seems they’ve played pretty loose with the rest of the characters (they went too young with Eddy, IMO, and did they combine the Smedleys?!?), but I’ll try to withhold judgment until I’ve seen more. Gotta say I’m pretty happy with Vinnie Jones as Herbie, though. Wouldn’t have thought of it in a million years, but it works!

L: Vinnie R: Herbie... or is it the other way around?

The trailer is embedded below. Check out 1:06 for a scene that I think will make Tor/Smedley ‘shippers pretty happy! (BTW, the “original” title you’ll see in the trailer was “Pog Bodies” (ech!) but they thankfully came to their senses and came back to the (almost) original “Legend of the POG”.)

Anyway, June 9th, 2009—mark your calendars! The comments are open—what do you think?