Official™ Renophaston Review: DC Comics: The New 52: Week 1

This is the first post in a series reviewing the new DC Comics “first” issues. For those who don’t know, DC Comics is releasing a bunch of comic books with “#1” on the cover. These will save the dying comic industry somehow, probably magically, because I haven’t seen anyone propose a different way.

I know what you’re thinking: 52 comics is a lot of comics. I completely agree. But you should probably not despair: We are here to help you. Which comics should you buy? What looks rad? Who’s the next break-out hit? How’s the comics are? Where is it? Why is it there? Do you have the time? We’ll answer all your questions, and more! By the end of this series, you’ll be an expert in being right about 52 specific comics. So let’s get this ball started!

Week 1: August 31, 2011

I didn’t buy Justice League, so I don’t know.

See you next week!

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30 Words or More

A few hours ago I saw the movie 30 Minutes or Less and I don’t think they should have named it that. Or the title is more clever than I am.

So overall, I give the movie 3/4 stars. I liked it, but it wasn’t important or original. But it was funny and made me laugh a few times. And the theater had really comfortable chairs. But the popcorn was too salty.

So overall, I give the theater 3/4 stars. I liked the seats, but not the popcorn.

Cowboys and Aliens

should have been better. There are a lot of bad parts I want to point out, but you guys might see it sometime.

1.5/4 stars

So to summarize, I give it 1.5/4 stars.

Alien Cow [Image un-embedded by the management because Reno doesn’t want to anger people. Embedding stuff from somebody else’s server is rude because it uses their bandwidth for your stuff. You can upload pictures to WordPress, though! Also, his name is Cad Bane, not “Alien Cow”. Haven’t you seen everything ever made that has to do with Star Wars?]

Terri, the movie.

SPOILER ALERT!!  This review might alert some spoilers.

I saw the movie Terri today, starring the famous John C. Reily and the not famous other people.  First of all, before we get to the movie review, I should review the theat(re) I saw it in.  The California is a Landmark theater and I got a $2 discount because I have a SJSU ID card.  The popcorn is not made with peanut oil and the medium was too big for my face.  I liked the place.

Terri was anyway from ok to good.  I’m not sure what I think yet.  John(ny) C (B) Reily(Good) was really good, and the main kid was good.  Tim Heidecker was in one scene and was either good or I can’t tell because I can’t tell.

At the end of the movie I thought ‘yeah.’  There was a long scene near the end that made me slightly uncomfortable, but ended with me thinking ‘huh.’

At the moment I give it 3/5 stars.  Good because John C Reily, Creed Bratton and Jacob Wysocki were good.  Eh because it felt like it was the intro to a movie to me.

Next time – something else.

Willow: A Review.

Totally pretty good. At the end when everything gets all sweaty and bloody and weird it still weirds me out. It also weirds me out every time Willow tries to magically shape shift that sorcerer woman back into a human. And when all the warriors get turned into pigs. And when Mad Martigan steps in troll poo. Every part of the movie kinda weirds me out a little.

Here are a list of ways that it is like The Lord of the Rings:

I mean here IS a list:

A tiny person from an isolated village full of tiny people who just like to dance and eat and gossip is the main character.

The good guys are trying to bring something somewhere, and at the same time the bad guys are trying to bring it to pretty much the same place.

That might be about it.

Warwick Davis was 18 when he made the movie.

Official™ Renophaston review of Resident Evil: Afterlife

Resident Evil: Afterlife 3D posterI saw Resident Evil: Afterlife 3D last Friday, but I enjoyed it! Alice is back, and she’s here to change the world! (This may sound like a reference to Captain EO, the first 3D movie I ever saw, but really she just has a gun that shoots coins.)

Spoilers ahead, but they might be inaccurate because it was a few days ago that I saw this, and my memory sucks.

The Good:

You all remember that my biggest problem with Resident Evil: Extinction was its lack of water. Well, this movie made up for that with spades to spare! Paul W.S. Anderson, the director of the first Resident Evil is back, and he brought with him what made the first movie great. I mean, this movie starts in the rain!** There’s a beach, burst water pipes, a lake. This one time, the main characters were underwater for like five minutes, and also there was a boat. And it wasn’t just some throwaway boat reference; it was a major plot point! It’s obvious Anderson understood where the franchise went adrift after he left, and thankfully he returned to set it back on course. Aquaman ain’t got shit on this movie, other than his powers.

Water pipe from RE:A** Not to be confused with Rain Ocampo, Michelle Rodriguez’ character from the first Resident Evil movie… or is it? Aside from RE, Michelle Rodriguez is best known for her role on Lost, a TV show about an island (surrounded by water, of course). Coincidence? Let’s examine the rest of her oeuvre. She followed up Resident Evil with a surfer movie called Blue Crush. Then she played Chris Sanchez in S.W.A.T., “Sanchez” of course coming from the Spanish for “sanctified”, which to Christians brings to mind the Baptismal rite, cleansing the soul with water. Later she voiced a Marine in the popular video game Halo 2. Then in 2005, she played Katarin (in the same year that Hurricane Katrina flooded the Gulf Coast) in another video game adaptation called BloodRayne. Then she starred in a movie called Battle in Seattle, Seattle being known colloquially as “Rain City“. It’s hard to believe the director was unaware of these facts during filming. Oh, and the last movie I saw in theaters before RE:A? Machete. Who was in it? Michelle Rodriguez. (“Michelle”, incidentally, is the feminine form of “Michael”, a name which comes from the archangel Michael, who is known for (among other things) drawing water from the rock at Colossae.)

Also: Zombies! I didn’t know this movie was gonna have zombies! If someone told me this movie was gonna have zombies, I’d have believed them, but nobody did because I don’t have any friends.

The Bad:

Iron Man 2. What a piece of shit. If I had a dollar for every time I saw this “film”, I’d still be out five bucks.

Water and co-star Ali Larter in RE:A

Water and co-star Ali Larter in RE:A

The Ugly:

They introduced Chris Redfield in this movie, which was exciting for some reason. He spent a good chunk of the movie locked in a jail cell. I thought it was funny because in an infamous line from the first game, Barry calls Chris “the master of unlocking“, and here he was locked up. Ha! But then I remembered that it’s Jill Valentine who’s the master of unlocking. So pfft. Nevermind. Chris was in that game, though, and with Chris’ appearance in the movies, we’ve finally come full circle, and ended up in a completely different place.

Aside: I gotta admit, you guys–references to the past take me back. I can’t believe I beat that game. Everything about it was annoying. I give it an “F” for Effort. “Survival Horror”? More like “Survival Horrible Game”!

Still, it had Zombies.

Alaskan water

Alaskan water... brr!

The Verdict:

Lets go down the list:

  • Zombies? Check.
  • Action? Check.
  • Dimensions? Check, check… and check. (that’s 3; last one had 2)
  • Multiple Jovoviches? (Jovovichlones?) Check.
  • Water? More than you can count!

This movie has everything for everybody, and unlike the those big shot “movie” critics, I think that’s enough. I want to say it’s the best Resident Evil movie with the initials REA, but I can’t really remember Apocalypse. Maybe it was good? And what if the next movie is called like Resident Evil: Attrition or something and it’s great? Can’t take that chance! But I’ll give this one four tens out of five!

\frac{10101010}{5}=2020202=3(20)+2 = 322

Out of a hundred.

Full disclosure: I tried not to let it color my review, but I should mention that there was something wrong at my theater, and stuff kept falling out of the movie. Ba-ding chang!

The final word: Resident Evil: Afterlife brought the rotting corpse of the Resident Evil franchise back to theaters!

Beach from RE:A

water + beach = match made in heaven (except I hate beaches)

Robot + Rape = Rape

The new WALL-E comic has surprise buttsecks:
Surprise buttsecks in WALL-E

He is obviously drunk. But that is no excuse.