## Official™ Renophaston Review: DC Comics: The New 52: Week 1

This is the first post in a series reviewing the new DC Comics “first” issues. For those who don’t know, DC Comics is releasing a bunch of comic books with “#1” on the cover. These will save the dying comic industry somehow, probably magically, because I haven’t seen anyone propose a different way.

I know what you’re thinking: 52 comics is a lot of comics. I completely agree. But you should probably not despair: We are here to help you. Which comics should you buy? What looks rad? Who’s the next break-out hit? How’s the comics are? Where is it? Why is it there? Do you have the time? We’ll answer all your questions, and more! By the end of this series, you’ll be an expert in being right about 52 specific comics. So let’s get this ball started!

### Week 1: August 31, 2011

I didn’t buy Justice League, so I don’t know.

See you next week!

## 30 Words or More

A few hours ago I saw the movie 30 Minutes or Less and I don’t think they should have named it that. Or the title is more clever than I am.

So overall, I give the movie 3/4 stars. I liked it, but it wasn’t important or original. But it was funny and made me laugh a few times. And the theater had really comfortable chairs. But the popcorn was too salty.

So overall, I give the theater 3/4 stars. I liked the seats, but not the popcorn.

## Cowboys and Aliens

should have been better. There are a lot of bad parts I want to point out, but you guys might see it sometime.

1.5/4 stars

So to summarize, I give it 1.5/4 stars.

Alien Cow [Image un-embedded by the management because Reno doesn’t want to anger people. Embedding stuff from somebody else’s server is rude because it uses their bandwidth for your stuff. You can upload pictures to WordPress, though! Also, his name is Cad Bane, not “Alien Cow”. Haven’t you seen everything ever made that has to do with Star Wars?]

## Terri, the movie.

### Verdict

I’m still bummed about the name (“Gangsta Dolls“, anyone?), but overall these deez pimps iz da shiznit, real talk! Seriously, these guys are really great. If I had any interest at all in things like this and didn’t just think they were stupid, I’d be all over them like blue on a crip’s onesie.

Packaging: 3 / 5
Design: 4 ¾ / 5 ½
Accessories: 10 / 10
Value: 7 / 6.5

Total: 24 ¾ / 26.5 ½ ≈ 0.91666667

(All scores out of 5.)

## The Official™ Renophaston review of TMNT: “Enter the Shredder”

Did you guys catch the latest episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? It was episode #2 and it was called “Enter the Shredder“, and I think it was the best episode yet! But I bet you’re more interested in hearing what I thought about it! Beware: a serious Spoiler Warning is in effect from this point forward!

### The Big Picture!

This episode had it all! We even got to see the turtles sans masks! From the introduction of three new villains to our first sight of the Technodrome, this episode left me wanting more, but still feeling satisfied! We finally got to see that Leonardo can definitely defeat Michaelangelo in combat (even if it was just practice!), and when they put cereal on their pizzas for breakfast, I was laughing my ass off! (“Choco-Puffs for me!” LO!L) When the Technodrome blasted through that wall of rock, I nearly lost my shit! That thing is colossal! And when Shredder said, “That’s quite a brain you’ve got, Krang!” and Krang said, “Of course it is, it’s all I’ve got!” I totally laughed my fucking shit off for hours! It was cool that the zoo was just two cages in the middle of a park in the city—I wish I lived in New York! The big fight against all the robots made me so hard I had to change the way I was sitting! (“Taste cold steel!”) Bebop and Rocksteady were pretty cool before they were mutants, but afterwards they were awesome! When Raph stuck his sai into Rocksteady’s gun barrel and made it explode, I was like “Oh shit!” That was tight!

### Donatello’s Missing Cock!

When Michaelangelo gets captured by a robot, Donatello leaps into action! And for those of us paying attention, a long-standing question in fandom was finally answered:

### In-You-Endo Watch!

This episode was the edgiest yet—the sexual innuendo was nearly off the charts! Here are some of the best (unintentionally?) sexual lines in the episode (titled, sexually, “Enter the Shredder”):

• “All I need are animals!”
• “My legions are waiting in Dimension X to storm into this world and crush it! All I lack is a body!” (This one’s more of a metaphor!)
• “That rock is freshly drilled!”
• “Man, look at the size of those tank treads!”
• “I need two of you for an experiment!”
• “Now that’s what I call a serious pizza!”
• “I’m onto something big!”
• “Let’s boogaloo!”
• “There must be some way inside!”
• “We know how to handle ourselves in the sewer!”
• “Leonardo—cut it open!”
• “I feel like a marshmallow in a nutcracker!”
• “You think they wanna mix it up with us?”
• “Donatello—try to get to their rear.”
• “Hit it Leonardo!”
• “It’s the same guys we fucked last night!” [Edit: Oops! Turns out it’s actually “fought last night”!]
• “You idiots!”
• “Come on Splinter!”
• “I just hope I haven’t missed out on the action!”
• “C’mon, lets annihilate those turkeys!”
• “You boys have fun together, and we’ll be back to check on ya in ten years!”
• “Ooooh, ya little bimbo! I’ll make ya eat that camera!”

### The Verdict!

Out of the two episodes that have aired, “Enter the Shredder” is by far my favorite. I think the only thing that could have made it better is if we got to see Krang’s mechanical body he’s building, but they’ve got to leave us with a reason to keep watching! I give this episode 5/5 turtle power! It was cool as shells!

## Stert Does a Movie Review: Rockin’ Mother Goose

Remember when you were a child? Remember? Now think back to being a child. Remember watching TV as a child? Think back to the TV you watched as a child. Did you watch Rockin’ Mother Goose? Maybe? You can’t remember? Oh. Here’s a review.

I watched this a long time ago, and then I watched it the other day on youtube.com. Here it is: http://youtube.com/watch?v=naIGGZf1TdY

This movie is terrifiying and PACKED FULL of sex jokes. Like every other line for the first half hour is a sex pun/joke/in-your-end-o. And it comes pretty close to feeling like my bad dreams feel. Like, maybe my bad dreams are the way they are BECAUSE of this movie (The reason I use all caps is cause I don’t want to take the time to figure out how to use italics).

The casting is the only thing that is good about the movie. Stand-out performances include Woody Harrelson as Mary’s little lamb. The guy from nightcourt is also very weird to watch as Peter Piper. And I wonder if Little Richard knew he was making a movie.

4/10 starts.

## Movie Theater Review: AMC Loews Boston Common 19!!!

This movie theater is pretty nice. It has 19 screens and always play the latest and greatest hit movies from around the globe! The main problem I have with it is that the people working here are bitches and cunts. And fags. They are mean. I bought popcorn and after the lady gave me my popcorn I said, “thank you,” and she didn’t say anything or even look at me. I also got a small soda, and the guy was like, “you sure that’s gonna be enough?” like he was calling me fat or something. I hate them. The main thing I like about the theater is they have old movie posters everywhere and thy picked pretty good movies, like Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, Aladdin, Forrest Gump, Singin in the Rain, The Rock, and stuff like that.

This is boring to type.

3 points!