Renophaston’s live report from SDCC 2011

Oh shit, I forgot I was at San Diego Comic Con this year again! This time I took a boat.

AAARRRGGGG BOATS!!!

First I hotel, then my tickets, all the while I was lost… but the food! OMG TMI! Buses, taxi, TRAM? jk! No time for a drink–had to get going. Found the thing, I did it, but barely. Phew! Long story short.

Here’s everything that happened all weekend:

• Star Trek and Legion of Superheroes are crossing over! This seemed like a obvious match, until I realized that the two series take place 750 years apart. I can’t imagine them adding time travel to these properties, so I don’t know what they’re going to do.
• Mega Man Legends 3 is canceled! Poot! Since this was the one reason I chose this era for my current incarnation, I might as well head back to the Eternal Spirit Pool and try sometime else.
• Marvel asks people to tear up DC comics for variants again, this time without the Deadpool excuse. It’s like seeing somebody try to re-tell a joke they don’t understand, except they were the ones who originally told the joke.
• There’s a Wolverine in the back of Hall H giving out free donuts if you can pick them up with your penis! Move fast, he’s almost out! (It’s easier than it looks.)
• Cable is dead-ish, but he’s coming back. Anybody who thinks Cable should come back already, this one’s for you. Unless you care about quality or whatever.
• DC Comics continues with year 7 of their Tough Sell! initiative, removing iconic characters from their books or altering them so that they are unrecognizable to old fans and new readers alike! The first few years everybody kept reading, expecting their favorite characters to return to greatness, but lately readers have started to catch on, and DC’s sales have shown a steady drop–so they’re going line-wide with the initiative! With any luck, by this time next year DC’s sales numbers will be so low they will finally have an excuse to stop publishing these damned comic books!
• Beavis & Butt-Head are back, and they’re exactly the same, and I don’t know whether I think anything about that at all. After the panel, though, I went to shake hands with Johnny Knoxville and I accidentally grabbed his penis and he knocked me out. Later people told me it was actually a door that opened towards me, and that I seemed “totally out of it”. Star-struck, more likely!
• There’s a Dwayne McDuffie panel even though I don’t think he’s done anything new in like five months.
• Tin Tin looks weird.
• I think Dan DiDio is making fun of me for liking comics, and I’m not even really in San Diego.
• DC has fixed the long-standing problem of Barry Allen being the worst Flash by making him the only Flash. Now he’s the best Flash!
• If you Google Translate from Latin to English, “Quid Pro Quo” becomes “What Happens In Vegas”. Which is not accurate.
• Oh I almost forgot! Here’s a photo of me and The Cheat from the show floor that I made with crayons:

Friends at first bite!

I went as Sporty Spice this year, because she’s pregnant and so am I!

Told you so.

Do I get extra points or a deduction for answering their questions honestly?

Dicktective Comics

Anyone else notice the big purple dick in Detective Comics #860?

Purple is the new 'Flesh' (crayon joke)

I say it’s big because it reaches all the way from her heel to her knee.

And in Green Lantern Corps #43, we find out the Guy Gardner is an even bigger Kylie Minogue fan than I:

I should probably make a gay joke, but that would be gay.

Such a big fan, in fact, that when his best friend Kyle Rayner dies (for a minute), he still can’t get Kylie “out of his head.” Also, his heart stops and is replaced by a magic red ring sculpted from a stone made of crystallized blood and fueled by rage. Gives new meaning to “Heart Beat Rock“, unless that’s actually what that song is about.

EDITORIAL SECTION

I always thought the Red Lantern oath was pretty lame:

With blood and rage of crimson red,
Ripped from a corpse so freshly dead,
Together with our hellish hate,
We’ll burn you all–That is your fate!

See? How much cooler would this be:

Ooh, yeah, ooh, yeah.

Not any cooler. If I’ve ruined the Red Lanterns for even one person, then this post was worth it.

This makes two posts about unintentional sexuality in comic books. I’m so selling out.

Renophaston reports from SDCC 2009

I’m gonna fill you in on my Comic-Con experience, but first let me get this out of the way:

AAARRRGGGG AIRLINES!!!

Oh man! First of all, my plane blew up so so I had to wait in the lobby for like 20 minutes, and then they put me on a flight that was too long and I was bored the whole way to San Diego. And the food wasn’t even that good!

Other than that, I had a pretty great time! I got there late Wednesday, so I checked into my hotel room and got really drunk and sad and eventually fell asleep somewhere around 3:00 in the morning. The next day I woke up around 4:00 PM, which pissed me off because that means I missed like the whole day! So I quickly got dressed and ran downstairs and got a taxi to the convention center, swearing the whole way there. It was literally like a swearing convention, I’m serious. (No pun intended!) When I got there, I showed them my badge, and they told me my pass wasn’t good for Wednesday, and I’m like “This is Thursday!” and they beat the shit out of me. Long story short, it was totally Wednesday, and I made a big mistake. Kind of regret some of the things I said to the lady at the airport now lol! I was early, so I went and saw some local landmarks like the Fortaleza Ozama and the Faro a Colón. History is fun, kids!

I didn’t want to repeat that morning’s panic, so I went to bed early and woke up at like 4:00 in the morning, and there wasn’t even really anything I wanted to see on the first day. I watched TV for like 6 hours and then got dressed up. This year I went as Twilight from Twilight. I haven’t read any of the movies, but I like vampires, so… lol.. He’s pretty much Count Dracula except in jeans and a T-shirt, so I just pooped in the wax teeth I brought and I was ready to go! So here are some notes from my journal (poor man’s twitter haha!):

Highlights from Day 1:

• Seeing a lot of Black Lantern Michael Jacksons. Seriously, this is gonna be the Joker of 2009.
• Scott Aukerman is writing a Director Bones comic! I am very curious to see how this turns out.
• Cell phones are officially the Next Best Thing™ now—I haven’t seen this many since I went to the Verizon store!
• DC Comics will continue to publish Superman comics, kind of. Check out Blackest Night!
• My teeth are getting really soft in the heat.
• I thought I saw Grant Morrison, but it was just Brian K. Vaughan.
• Unfortunately, DC says digital comics still aren’t possible yet, despite their popularity.
• At the Marvel panel, Joe Quesada made a “Doctor in the house” joke about Doctor Voodoo, and it was hilarious. I just shit my pants thinking about it.
• The corporate presence is really getting out of hand this year. I couldn’t get into the Burn Notice panel because of the huge crowd of people trying to get a seat at the Avatar panel. It’s not called “Movie-Con”, assholes! Get a life!

A candid shot of Greg Land and me fighting over a troll doll. I didn't recognize him at first!

Highlights from Day 2:

• Wow, judging by all the people dressed as her, Whore Supergirl sure is popular! When are DC gonna realize they should give her her own comic? Oh wait, they do—it’s called Marvel Divas lol!
• I managed to find Gail Simone’s run on the Family Matters series (#266-279) for $15! I haven’t read these since I was a kid. Still missing the TGIFunnybooks X-mas Special (the one with Urkel Bot fighting Carl-dressed-as-Santa on the cover), though. I’ll put up some scans if I remember.
• Jesus shit! Alan Moore‘s writing Captain Marvel!?! At first I’m like, Why are they announcing this at a Marvel panel? Oops—wrong Captain Marvel! haha!
• Megan Fox has tits OMFG!
• I thought I saw Grant Morrison, but it was just Bendis. 😦
• Nobody seems to have recognized me yet, despite the big turnout for the Twilight panel. There is a character named Twilight, right?
• Mark Millar‘s making a movie out of his comic Kick-Ass. I can’t believe they’re letting him anywhere near a camera after what he did to The Spirit!

Me and Ernie Hudson (right), who was nice enough to let me snap a photo even though he didn't attend this year.

Highlights from Day 3:

• If I never see another Zombie Skrull Leia, it’ll be too many, I’m serious! It’s like it’s 2008 all over again! I’m like, didn’t we do this already? I thought 2008 was last year! Really, you guys? Last year called, it wants its memes back! No. Just… no.
• DC got the rights to T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents, which is weird because didn’t WildStorm just put out a bunch of minis about them a few years ago? Regardless, I’m down for more. Thunder Agents, Ho!
• I thought I saw Grant Morrison, but it was just Ilia from Star Trek, which is funny because they’re both bald!
• Peter Jackson and Guillermo del Toro are remaking Norbit… as two movies?!? Make it a trilogy and maybe we’ll talk lol!
• OK, DC—you’ve made your point! A married Green Arrow and Black Canary don’t work. We get it!
• Wait, they made a movie of Watchmen? Are you serious? That’s insane. Way too many people mentioned this for it to be a joke.

Well, I’m sick of doing this, so that’s it for this year! Never stop truckin’!

Welcome!

Recently, the Xbox 360 RRoD’d, and we sent it to Microsoft and they sent us one that still worked. This is the bag it came back to us in:

Here’s a detail shot of the text covering the bag:

'Welcome' in a bunch of languages.

???

Take a stand for non-violent marriage!

In the spirit of Rick Warren bravely admitting that he doesn’t think marriage should include incest, I am also going to take a stand:

I am against redefining marriage to include tax fraud and arson.

If people could use “marriage” as an excuse to blow up buildings, then what’s keeping you from blowing your dad? Not the government. Not “self-restraint”. Certainly not THE JEWS. But that’s just the beginning—the next thing you know, your college degree is worthless and the price of gas changes. Wake up, DUMerica. It’s time for action—just look at the stock market!

As the late hunger enthusiast Mohandas Gandhi said, “Аз не съм свободен, освен ако другите са роби.” (“I am not free, but that others are bound.”) A people is only as free as it is oppressed. If everybody has rights, what’s so big about YOURS?

Will you join me in opposing things, or are you a fag?

EDIT: Wow! I sure voted a lot of times! But it’s still neck and tie, so it’s anybody’s draw! And keep this on for size while you’re voting: California has a history of supporting gay rights, and look where that got them—as of the last election, gays can’t even get MARRIED in California!

Ghost? The results are in! UPDATED!

Remember when I posted that picture and I asked for your help to rationalize away something I feared and didn’t understand? Well, you did it! No, strike that—WE did it! (Seeing as I was responsible for 40% of the votes.) Here are the results of the voting:

• Strange Reports: 1 vote
• A Ghost: 1 vote
• Other: 3 VOTES!

It’s unanimouse with 60% of the popular vote! The so-called “spirit” was actually just something else! I am relieved, because I was worried that it might have been what it was.

UPDATE!

Stop the presses! With your hand if you have to! It was a TIE! Observe the results as they were originally reported by the media:

Misleading Original Results

An obvious victor, right? “Other” is the tallest contestant by far. But… who IS this “Other”? This reporter went deep undercover to uncover the truth: “Other” is none other than a conglomerate of three other candidates (no pun intended!) conspiring together to destroy democracy! Feast on your eyes—it’s the true face of Other:

• ur mom
• it’s just a little gas.
• Stinky smell escaping when you took the sheets off the bed, perhaps.

Now take your gander to this new, updated, honest chart:

Meaningless True Results

It’s a tie! Everybody loses! Reality is ambiguous (in my room at least), and we are probably doomed. Another win for democracy!

Possible ghost? Please refute.

Calling all ghost-hunters, UFO-perts, and necrophiliacs, and I’m serious about this.  Going through some boxes, I found this photo I made took a few years ago (January 27, 2001). Flickr has the full-size version. (Sorry about the watermark, but I don’t want people taking credit in case it’s real.)

Reel ghost proof? Choose your own adventure.

Do you see that? On the left. Does it look like a spirit/ghost to you?  I can tell it’s not just some trick, because it doesn’t cast light on the walls.  I don’t know of anything natural that can do that.  Also, when I open the picture up in Photoshop, the spirit is on different layer than the background!  How did that happen?!? My camera (Canon Powershot S10) is too old to support layers. Was there some kind of top-secret military test going on on 1/27/2001? God I hope so. And on the left, look:

Spirit portal?

WTF, is that a spirit portal or something? This is freaking me out. And check out this closeup:

Spirit face comparison.

That’s a face, right? It kind of… looks like me, doesn’t it? Oh jeez…

Anyway, I made a decision a few years back to not believe in ghosts, so I’d really appreciate it if someone could explain this. Hopefully before Halloween. All the experts I’ve contacted refuse to talk to me about it. Is it a weather balloon? I don’t even know!

Sincerely,
Sleepless in Seattle

P.S. – Please vote below, even if you don’t know the answer. A bigger sample size increases accuracy. Hint: you can vote more than once!

UPDATE: The results are in! But don’t let that stop you from voting! Remember—It’s never too late to vote!

April Fools!

Seriously.

I voted!

Everybody was acting like we were voting. I might have voted.

My Krismas List 2007 (by Renophaston)

I don’t celebrate Christmas, and I hate presents, but if I found God at a garage sale or something and rubbed it and the Christmas genie came out, this is what I’d ask for:

• Superman
• Courage
• A (direct-to-DVD?) new season of Firefly
• An HDTV set that shows standard-def stuff as well as our current (SD) TV does
• A high-quality video recording of the 2003-08-08 Björk show I attended in SF
• Dramatically reduced maximum occupancy at Disneyland
• Whirled Penis
• Tickets to the San Jose show of the Spice Girls reunion tour, and I guess also a time machine so that I didn’t miss it already. Or wait, even better: I want the Spice Girls to call me tomorrow and go, “Hey, we read what you wrote about us on your Krismas blog, and we thought it was effing brilliant and we’d all like to meet you so we got you tickets to each of the New York shows in New York and we rented a whole floor of whatever the best hotel in NY is and we’ll all just hang out there (but we’ll leave you alone if you want) and we can get pizza or whatever!” And I’d be like, “OK, but I don’t know if I can get a ride.” And they’re like, “Fuck that, mate, we bought you a couple Air Force Ones! Zig-a-zig-ah.” The only bad thing about this would be that I don’t have every one of either of the Melanies’ albums, so that would be awkward, especially if I was to get them to autograph them. Still, I’m keeping this on my list. I can deal with a little bit of awkward. And it’s not like I don’t want them, it’s just I don’t have them yet. Yet. Oh man, you know what else I would want? I would want the opportunity to completely rewrite Spice World and have them remake it using my script. I think I could make a pretty fantastic movie about the Spice Girls. As long as the suits stay out of my goddamn way! Man, right now I’m tempted to write it anyway. In fact, I think this will be that project that I’ll always be working on but I’ll never finish, and it’ll become a running joke amongst the people who know me. All four of them. “Did you finish Spice Whirled yet?” “Ha ha, very funny. But seriously, it’s almost done!” (For the record, I would still settle for just the San Jose tickets and a time machine.)
• Captain E/O on DVD, but somehow still in 3-D without using that red/blue bullshit. Laserdisc would also be acceptable, so long as it still has the original laser and fog effects. (This one might be tough.)
• Invisibility, and the power to control it! Nothing would ruin my Krismas like making me disappear without a way to change me back. That would be a singular Krismas.
• You know, since the Spice Girls thing, I can’t stop thinking about how it would still be cool to have even just the time machine by itself. So, if you can’t get the tix, at least get the time machine. But this is, like, a runner-up gift. Half-credit.
• A lightsaber (of course)

Hmm. This ended up a lot more honest than I was expecting it to when I started.

So anyway, if you appreciate the entertainment I provide here on this blog (for free!), please consider purchasing all of these items for me. Cash donations over $1000 will also be (grudgingly) accepted. Email me your snail-mail address and I’ll fax you a location where you can make the drop. Then, in the comments, tell me what you want me to get for Krismas!

Merry Chr—Krismas! Shit. I almost fucked that up!

Blog Stats, Part 1

Here’s some important information concerning which topics we are considered to be knowledgeable authorities on:

• This blog is Google search result #2 for “punch them hard in the throat“
• #3 (and 4) for rap bad grammar
• #3 for high anus
• #2 for middle anus
• #1 for low anus
• #1 for fuck joysticks
• #1 for linguistic boner
• #1 for waterproof band-aid

So I think this means that we should start selling waterproof band-aids?

Here’s the part where I try to help people who got here searching for something but probably didn’t find an answer:

• “213 meaning rap” – I believe 213 refers to the Los Angeles area code in which the group originated.
• “tube pee comes out of” – It is called the urethra. Or possibly you mean the penis.