Introducing 4 Christs™ Sake

Introducing kristuphil‘s first openly alcoholic beverage: 4 Christs™ sake!

A bottle of 4 Christs™ sake

A perfect night on the town.™

Our sake is made from the transubstantiated blood of four distinct breeds of Christ grown on our very own clone fields on Venus in the future, brought to the past to age in real-time, then finally blended together today in precise proportions developed over the last century in our occult-science labs at Günter Münty Fütwear.

4 Christs™ sake label

History

Günter Münty Fütwear (a kristuphil, inc. wholly owned subsidiary), home of KSP’s occult-science labs, has been a staple in the blood industry for centuries, but with the popularization (and recent “sparklization”) of vampires, the market has been flooded with cheap and relatively high-quality blood, making it harder for an “old-guard” blood-seller like ourselves to stay relevant and profitable. So, with our profits declining, and with massive amounts of blood on our hands, we searched for alternative revenue sources.

Like Silly Putty®, our “sake-cess” began with a failure. We’d been working on a reverse-transubstantiation of Christ-blood for many years now, but had never managed to get it quite right, always ending up with a strangely seductive, yet decidedly un-winelike sake, which we gave to employees as gifts on holidays. But when our blood money began to run thin, someone mentioned how beloved the sake had become throughout the company, and suggested that there might be money to be made in sake, especially one as uniquely (un)holy as ours.

So we set up kristuphil Clone Farms on Venus and began experimenting with different species and brews of Christ, eventually settling on the four-part blend we call 4 Christs™.

The Christs

  • Natural (Jewish) Christ – Although the term is used more loosely today, all authentic Christs must have at least 30% Jewish lineage. In fact, the taste you probably associate most closely with Christ is actually the Jew. Non-Jewish messiahs tend to have a strong metallic taste which needs to be masked by other ingredients, which is why they lack the purity that defines the true Christ. Our 4 Christs™ sake is at least 60% Jewish.
  • White Christ – Though not a traditional Christ, White (or Caucasian) Christs are popular in America and Britain, though they’ve spread in recent decades and can currently be found all over the world. White Christs tend to be a bit blander than the historical types, and are often preferred by those not used to the strong taste of classic Christ. It is a “beginner” messiah and we use just a touch to help keep our sake smooth. It also causes the sake to turn blue when exposed to air, a trademark of kristuphil sake.
  • Passion Christ – The other Christ most favored in America, Passion Christ contains high levels of adrenaline. Traditionally, the Christ is tortured before the blood is extracted. Our Christs are tortured for at least 10 years, and we are the only company that tortures our Christs for an additional 2 months post-mortem, giving our sake a uniquely mellow, relaxed buzz.
  • Nazi Christ – The “secret ingredient” is our patented Nazi Christ. Originally bred for a different project altogether, the blood of Nazi Christs was found to add a lively “kick” to our sake. Alone, the taste is off-putting to most, but in small amounts, we found it to perfectly complement earthiness of the Jew, giving our sake a fullness unequaled on this planet.

kristuphil Clone Farms logo

4 Christs™ sake is a product of kristuphil Clone Farms. Available wherever alcohol is sold, as well as at participating churches. Ask “4” it by name.

Silly Putty is a trademark of Binney & Smith Inc.

About Renophaston
Renophaston is Kris, but after another manner.

One Response to Introducing 4 Christs™ Sake

  1. renophaston says:

    I came up with another slogan:

    With 4 Christs, you’re never drinking alone.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: