Bad Rap, Part the Third

Bad Rap!Here’s the chorus from what I think is probably the lamest rap song I’ve ever heard, 213’s “Joystick“:

She said she wants to ride my joystick
She wants to ride, she wants to ride it

Umm… I’m not sure you’re doing it right. I think you’re trying to use “joystick” as a metaphor for penis, but you don’t ride a joystick, so it doesn’t work; you’re just saying “penis” using a different word. This song is full of video game references, and none of them work. Joysticks don’t “[go] the extra inch”. Joysticks aren’t “tasty in all kinds of ways”. And (this is key) you don’t fuck joysticks! Especially modern ones. I don’t think anything past the Atari 2600 really had controllers with any fuckable parts.* And, I’ll be you a dollar she didn’t say “I want to ride your joystick.” She didn’t. I think you’re lying.

Secondly, and this is definitely a case of the pot calling the kettle “nigga”, but c’mon, 213. Three guys getting together to sing a song about dick and video games is just a little too lame for gangsta rap. I think you’ve lost some of your street cred here. Combined with the half-puns and broken metaphors, you’ve earned yourself a Bad Rap. Seriously you guys, you’re better than this.

I think this song is pretty much FUBAR, but if anyone wants to spit some rhymes about video games and/or sex, go for it in the comments.

*This song came out before the Wii, so I’m not counting that.

About Renophaston
Renophaston is Kris, but after another manner.

10 Responses to Bad Rap, Part the Third

  1. renophaston says:

    Cuzza the size of my wang they call me Mega Man
    I’m gonna grind till I level up the poontang
    Like Nukem I got what the chicks want
    Just whip out my dick like I’m a Belmont

  2. stert says:

    I have nothing yet, and now i have to go do busy stuff, but you can bet your dumplings im gonna come up with something. It’s gonna be “hard” now that reno used up all the obvious references.

    reno is my nickname for kris. i mean renophastan.

    “whip out my dick like i’m a belmont” is an obvious reference, i guess. and the other things in your rap, too. obvious.

  3. renophaston says:

    It was really weird when I started using Renophaston as my name online, because people would call me Reno, and it did not register as being my name at all. Especially because I would hate going to Reno. I’m not a fan. It’d be like calling a Dimetrodon* that hates spare change “Dime”.

    *Dimetrodon is a Dimeosaur.

  4. stert says:

    I like the name Reno, and it would be, like, irony or something if it was your nickname.

    On account of you hating reno (probably).

  5. stert says:

    this is really truly embarrassing. this is so lame and not funny, but you guys and just ignore it. I spent like 15 minutes on it, so i pretty much have to post it. it’s like, i have to start somewhere, you know? this is a safe environment where i can just throw out ideas and see what sticks. they can’t all be keepers.

    The ladies scream, “WoW,” at the size of my broadsword.
    I’ll get all up in them guts when I’m done gutting the orc horde
    I’ve got 350 points in Ballin’ (plus my +15 enchants)
    Lord Kazzaks dropping epics while I’m dropping my pants.

    who calls it the “orc horde?” i just really needed that extra syllable. i think i may have heard it called that once. ugh…. i feel like i should be in elementary school.

  6. stert says:

    in my defense, mad magazine has stuff worse than this on a regular basis, and those writers get paid.

  7. renophaston says:

    I’m totally gonna call my (myriad) girlfriends “the orc horde” from now on. Like, “Sorry Steve, I can’t stay out all night partying—I promised the orc horde I’d go to her premiere.”

  8. renophaston says:

    Apparently I date high-profile actresses and/or artists.

  9. renophaston says:

    Talk about dumb: I totally want to give you extra points for rhyming something in a parenthetical. Like somehow that’s harder to do.

    Here’s another one:

    I warm her up first with my Yoshi-esque tongue
    Drawin’ aggro from my bitch till my dick get sprung
    Now I’ve got her soulbound and it’s time to have fun
    So I’m layin’ massive pipe like it’s seven dash one
    She’s yelling “Reno for the win” cuz I’m so well hung
    I’m not Buster Sword big, but I get the job done
    My XP’s maxed out and I think I’m gonna come
    But I didn’t pull out and now I got a son

    Whoa! Took a turn there at the end, huh?

  10. stert says:

    i’m glad you are embracing the whole “reno” thing

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