You been Fic Fac’t!

FIC FAC’T: Jesus Christ created DRM as a concession to the Native Americans.

One of these is the best link of the week!

Solve the following for a clue:

I thought (for some reason) that I would have the strength to draw something retarded to put here since the last time I posted crappy links, but that didn’t happen.

Here are some links. (Stay until after the credits to see the Official™ Renophaston verdict on XL Band-Aid™ brand band-aids!)

• Stairway To Heaven… as performed by The Beatles! – Oh wait—did I say The Beatles? I meant The Beatnix.
• Blender-shaped baby-bath – Sometimes I wish there was more stuff for new parents to needlessly spend money on, and then I remember that I hate everything.
• WGA vs. AMPTP – I present this long-form, stereotype-based joke to you in hopes that you will find its three good lines redeeming somehow. Sadly, the best line is at the very end!

Last week, I promised I’d tell you about my experience with XL Band-Aid™ brand band-aids, so here goes:

They were fine.

Hey Ste, I figured maybe when you get home for the holidays, we should do something. Like, this one idea I had was we could make a porno version of Tim & Eric Awesome Show Great Job! and call it Tim & Eric Awesome Choad Blow Job! Then we could put it on YouTube and make fun of the comments it gets. Or if that sounds too gay, I could watch you and Fil play Mario Dance Dance Revolution. Oh yeah: I actually played Gears of War co-op with Mikey when he was here and he was a lot better than me. His patience with me bordered on condescension. I cannot play shooters with those controls. If I had to score my performance, I would give it a bleed out of ass.

_{Answer: Link #2.}

Link this, week!

Quickly this week, because those guys are after me and they’re almost through the door!

• Speed Racer trailer – Beware: it might cause you to die of awesome poisoning. Very unlikely, but… well, not exactly possible, but maybe.
• Wainy Days Episode 15 – “Tough Guy” – This is the last episode until later.
• New Twelve-Inch (Grumpy Grandpa) Jack Bauer – This is the best action figure I have ever seen.

Nevermind, the guys left. I was probably dreaming it anyway.

I’d write more, but Parvo cut my knife open with a hand and I bled out completely. Later, I’ll post about my experiences with XL Band-Aid™ brand band-aids!

Kris has links in his week

This week we have links from your mom’s butt:

• Brick Archway – Finally an xkcd that everyone can enjoy! (Violence is the universal language!)
• Wainy Days Episode 13: “Wainy Nights” – Living the white life!
• Motion Induced Blindness – It’s funner than it sounds! But not by a whole lot.
• Wainy Days Episode 14 “The Pact” – This week had two Mondays, which made it extra Wainy.
• Jimmy Wales Grows Them Good and Organic – Japanese mistranslation gets with the times!
• Faith healing sign at Disneyland – Don’t get scared! It’s a joke!

Well, that’s it for this week. Thanks for visiting!

My Krismas List 2007 (by Renophaston)

I don’t celebrate Christmas, and I hate presents, but if I found God at a garage sale or something and rubbed it and the Christmas genie came out, this is what I’d ask for:

• Superman
• Courage
• A (direct-to-DVD?) new season of Firefly
• An HDTV set that shows standard-def stuff as well as our current (SD) TV does
• A high-quality video recording of the 2003-08-08 Björk show I attended in SF
• Dramatically reduced maximum occupancy at Disneyland
• Whirled Penis
• Tickets to the San Jose show of the Spice Girls reunion tour, and I guess also a time machine so that I didn’t miss it already. Or wait, even better: I want the Spice Girls to call me tomorrow and go, “Hey, we read what you wrote about us on your Krismas blog, and we thought it was effing brilliant and we’d all like to meet you so we got you tickets to each of the New York shows in New York and we rented a whole floor of whatever the best hotel in NY is and we’ll all just hang out there (but we’ll leave you alone if you want) and we can get pizza or whatever!” And I’d be like, “OK, but I don’t know if I can get a ride.” And they’re like, “Fuck that, mate, we bought you a couple Air Force Ones! Zig-a-zig-ah.” The only bad thing about this would be that I don’t have every one of either of the Melanies’ albums, so that would be awkward, especially if I was to get them to autograph them. Still, I’m keeping this on my list. I can deal with a little bit of awkward. And it’s not like I don’t want them, it’s just I don’t have them yet. Yet. Oh man, you know what else I would want? I would want the opportunity to completely rewrite Spice World and have them remake it using my script. I think I could make a pretty fantastic movie about the Spice Girls. As long as the suits stay out of my goddamn way! Man, right now I’m tempted to write it anyway. In fact, I think this will be that project that I’ll always be working on but I’ll never finish, and it’ll become a running joke amongst the people who know me. All four of them. “Did you finish Spice Whirled yet?” “Ha ha, very funny. But seriously, it’s almost done!” (For the record, I would still settle for just the San Jose tickets and a time machine.)
• Captain E/O on DVD, but somehow still in 3-D without using that red/blue bullshit. Laserdisc would also be acceptable, so long as it still has the original laser and fog effects. (This one might be tough.)
• Invisibility, and the power to control it! Nothing would ruin my Krismas like making me disappear without a way to change me back. That would be a singular Krismas.
• You know, since the Spice Girls thing, I can’t stop thinking about how it would still be cool to have even just the time machine by itself. So, if you can’t get the tix, at least get the time machine. But this is, like, a runner-up gift. Half-credit.
• A lightsaber (of course)

Hmm. This ended up a lot more honest than I was expecting it to when I started.

So anyway, if you appreciate the entertainment I provide here on this blog (for free!), please consider purchasing all of these items for me. Cash donations over $1000 will also be (grudgingly) accepted. Email me your snail-mail address and I’ll fax you a location where you can make the drop. Then, in the comments, tell me what you want me to get for Krismas!

Merry Chr—Krismas! Shit. I almost fucked that up!